I recently realized that I have been trying to give my heart to God my entire life, but never knew my heart enough to actually do so. In college, I began to pray in a more intuitive way (which I now know to be meditation or contemplation), though in the end I did not know what to do with this method, or what God was telling me, so I abandoned it. I did not pray for four years (aside from robotically attending Sunday Mass), and was so averse to rote prayer during that time that I was rather dumbfounded, wondering what in the world was happening to my spiritual life and if I was indeed a horrible person because of my total lack of fervor. Eventually I stopped worrying and became complacent about it.

Last year, I began going to Mass daily because it was an objectively good thing to do, and I began struggling through rote prayers. It was only a matter of time before my contemplative heart began beating again, reviving me interiorly. Indeed, I was like the girl whom everyone thought was dead, and then Jesus said, "Little girl, get up!" and I was alive again.

Because I eventually reach a point where my intellect cannot understand what is going on in my soul, I sought spiritual direction, but it ended quite badly. The priest I asked was not living an interior life, he refused to direct, began telling me his sins, gossiping about all the other priests in the diocese, etc. I felt as though it was a classic case of the blind leading the blind. It ended very badly.

I tried to continue praying, but many things happened to distract me. The fire in my heart died out. I began to doubt the reality of my interior life. For over a year now, I have ceased to pray, though I attend Mass regularly. I know it may sound silly, but after failed spiritual direction, I felt emotionally so betrayed, so discouraged from the journey. I felt burnt out. My heart was like lead inside me.

Then two weeks ago, a priest at our parish said three inspiring sentences that led me to open my heart and begin the journey again. The problem is, I am at a loss. I had sincerely tried everything right last time. I had gone to Mass, received the sacraments regularly, sought direction, spent time in prayer.

This time, I feel like I am beginning in darkness, a darkness of the understanding. I feel the need for spiritual direction--real direction--but I do not trust the process. However, I let God lead me past that mistrust, and I thought I had sincerely discerned that a) I should seek spiritual direction and b) God had pointed out the priest. I mustered up the courage to ask the priest to formally direct me, and he flat out said no, he didn't have time.

My reaction was a stab of pain and confusion, for I thought it was made quite clear to me that this priest would be able to direct me. So I am in a quandary...now what? Unfortunately, devout priests are rare in our diocese, but ones who understand the contemplative heart are even rarer. I am trying to trust God, but I do not know how to proceed. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you for your time.