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Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
marriage and prayer	Philip	Sunday, November 2, 2008
Question: I have been married for three years and it has been very difficult. I was a recovering alcoholic when I met my wife, and I was very dependent on her organizational skills and stability to keep me going for a while. We both enrolled in the RCIA and became Catholic, and as we were living together, I asked her to marry me. She is two years older. I love her and respect but I am constantly regretting the marriage. I think I could have chosen better. I also like younger women, and find she is "too old" at 39. The fact is that a week before the marriage I was very confused and distraught, and drove down to my church to ask the priest who was to marry us advice. I told him I wasn't ready, and that I was afraid I was making a mistake. He told me not to be afraid, that she was a wonderful woman and I should go ahead with it. Since then, I have acquired a spiritual director who is quite strict about my responsibilities as a husband and that I chose her and was married in the Church, so I should just pull up my socks and be content. I have tried prayer for her to be more beautiful and attractive, I have entered a 12 step program for lust addiction, I have prayed, I have done everything, but it is not getting any easier. I suffer from anxiety and discomfort when we go out together because of the feelings of regret when I see other couples, younger women, etc... I saw a counsellor last year, and she suggested I move out. This is a case where I feel my Catholicism is bringing me sadness and suffering. I married her, perhaps foolishly, with the naive belief that God would help our marriage and iron out any difficulties. My wife is a wonderful and supportive woman, but I cannot shake my feelings. What do you suggest? Because evrywhere I turn people say the same thing--stick it out. I have often prayed with Padre Pio--is it possible to pray for God to make my wife more beautiful?
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM Dear Philip: It appears that you are 37 years old. Why are you acting like a 14 year old? An adult accepts what is and does not pine over what could be. You wife is not too old, for pete sake. We all may have this or that preference, but when we actually get involved with people in relationships those preferences hardly matter. It is the "person" not their appearance or age that matters. I would agree with you that you were not ready for marriage. The priest should have advised you differently, but, what is done is done. You have married her. Now you must grow up and take responsibility for your actions. You probably need to see a Catholic psycholgist who respects the teachings of the Faith. As for praying that your wife will more attractive, that is a prayer that will not be answered because it is a childish, immature, selfish, and dysfunctional prayer. You are in bondage to pride, selfishness, and lust. A 12-step program on the issue of lust may be a good thing. But, you also need to get rid of that pride and selfishness. The problem here is that you have a disordered "love" of yourself and you do not love your wife. Love doesn't care what the wife looks like. Love is not ashamed to be seen with the wife. Love does not have regret everytime you go out with the wife. Catholicism is not causing you sadness and suffering. Catholicism has nothing to do with this. YOU are causing your own sadness and suffering by the sins that brought you to this situation and by your pride and gross immaturity. Be a man and get hold of yourself. When improper thoughts come into your mind, reject them. Say in your mind or out-loud, I REJECT THIS THOUGHT. As the Bible tells us, "take captive every thought in obedience to Christ." I would advise that you join our support group, Catholic Support Group for Sexual Addictions Recovery. This group may be able to help you with some of this. But, you are going to have to accept responsibility for your actions and stop whining and pining about what could have been. Because there are possible bondage problems here as well, I advise that you go through the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These are steps that can help you overcome the bondage. Bottomline is that you have made your bed, now you must lie in it. If you give yourself to God you can overcome these bondages and mature. 1Co 13:11 When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. We will be in prayer for you. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary For information on how to receive help see our Help page. We suggest that before contacting us directly for help you try the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These self-help steps will often resolve the problem. Also our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog contains many prayers that may be helpful. If needed you can ask for a Personal Consultation.

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

marriage and prayer

Philip

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Question:

I have been married for three years and it has been very difficult. I was a recovering alcoholic when I met my wife, and I was very dependent on her organizational skills and stability to keep me going for a while. We both enrolled in the RCIA and became Catholic, and as we were living together, I asked her to marry me. She is two years older.

I love her and respect but I am constantly regretting the marriage. I think I could have chosen better. I also like younger women, and find she is "too old" at 39.

The fact is that a week before the marriage I was very confused and distraught, and drove down to my church to ask the priest who was to marry us advice. I told him I wasn't ready, and that I was afraid I was making a mistake.

He told me not to be afraid, that she was a wonderful woman and I should go ahead with it.

Since then, I have acquired a spiritual director who is quite strict about my responsibilities as a husband and that I chose her and was married in the Church, so I should just pull up my socks and be content.

I have tried prayer for her to be more beautiful and attractive, I have entered a 12 step program for lust addiction, I have prayed, I have done everything, but it is not getting any easier.

I suffer from anxiety and discomfort when we go out together because of the feelings of regret when I see other couples, younger women, etc...

I saw a counsellor last year, and she suggested I move out.

This is a case where I feel my Catholicism is bringing me sadness and suffering. I married her, perhaps foolishly, with the naive belief that God would help our marriage and iron out any difficulties.

My wife is a wonderful and supportive woman, but I cannot shake my feelings.

What do you suggest? Because evrywhere I turn people say the same thing--stick it out.

I have often prayed with Padre Pio--is it possible to pray for God to make my wife more beautiful?

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM

Dear Philip:

It appears that you are 37 years old. Why are you acting like a 14 year old? An adult accepts what is and does not pine over what could be. You wife is not too old, for pete sake. We all may have this or that preference, but when we actually get involved with people in relationships those preferences hardly matter. It is the "person" not their appearance or age that matters.

I would agree with you that you were not ready for marriage. The priest should have advised you differently, but, what is done is done. You have married her. Now you must grow up and take responsibility for your actions. You probably need to see a Catholic psycholgist who respects the teachings of the Faith.

As for praying that your wife will more attractive, that is a prayer that will not be answered because it is a childish, immature, selfish, and dysfunctional prayer.

You are in bondage to pride, selfishness, and lust. A 12-step program on the issue of lust may be a good thing. But, you also need to get rid of that pride and selfishness.

The problem here is that you have a disordered "love" of yourself and you do not love your wife. Love doesn't care what the wife looks like. Love is not ashamed to be seen with the wife. Love does not have regret everytime you go out with the wife.

Catholicism is not causing you sadness and suffering. Catholicism has nothing to do with this. YOU are causing your own sadness and suffering by the sins that brought you to this situation and by your pride and gross immaturity.

Be a man and get hold of yourself. When improper thoughts come into your mind, reject them. Say in your mind or out-loud, I REJECT THIS THOUGHT. As the Bible tells us, "take captive every thought in obedience to Christ."

I would advise that you join our support group, Catholic Support Group for Sexual Addictions Recovery. This group may be able to help you with some of this.

But, you are going to have to accept responsibility for your actions and stop whining and pining about what could have been.

Because there are possible bondage problems here as well, I advise that you go through the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These are steps that can help you overcome the bondage.

Bottomline is that you have made your bed, now you must lie in it. If you give yourself to God you can overcome these bondages and mature.

1Co 13:11 When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

We will be in prayer for you.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

For information on how to receive help see our Help page. We suggest that before contacting us directly for help you try the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These self-help steps will often resolve the problem. Also our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog contains many prayers that may be helpful. If needed you can ask for a Personal Consultation.