Hello, I'm in the midst of serious spiritual turmoil. I am aware that there are other Santeria posts but none address my particular concerns, and none of those individuals have undergone the initiations and experiences I have. I do hope you will be able to read through it and help me.

I was born and raised Catholic and received all my sacraments. Yet I have been mixed up in Santeria for some years now. Although I haven't made full initiation into the Santeria religion, I have received preliminary initiations. I’m now being told that I must initiate fully or else my life will be difficult and I won’t obtain the things I strive for, and that I’m a prisoner to Santeria and there’s no way out. That struck me horribly. I do not want to initiate. I want to break free from this but fear gets in the way. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I do worry that I may suffer negative consequences if I return all my santeria implements and walk away for good. I also fear that I will be dragged back into it years down the line. I sorely regret ever getting into this.

My involvement in santeria has also included numerous readings/consultations as well as animal sacrifices which I've felt horrible about each time. Please help me understand the Christian view of animal sacrifice. I know that Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, but the animal sacrifices of santeria deals particularly with self-serving requests which seems entirely different.

I have also participated in spiritism rituals, where possessions and spiritual cleansings often take place. In these meetings, spirits have provided me with guidance through a possessed individual. It never felt right deep down but I still engaged. Curiosity, fear and confusion led me back repeatedly. 

I know this may all sound ridiculous. I generally try to err on the side of reason and logic, and consider myself a skeptic in many ways, always doing my due diligence to understand things. I don't want to believe that any of this could be real but I also can't deny my experiences.

My close family members are involved in this as well. They say the orishas of santeria may be coming after me because of this. I’m not sure if any “spiritual” stuff was done on my behalf without my knowledge. I've asked them not to but it’s always a possibility.

Now please bear with me. Aside from the family connection, I think this downward spiral into santeria may have begun with my encounters in astrology, reiki, past-life regression, palm reading, self-initiation into occult practice, tarot cards, and reading new age books. I should also mention that my sister played the ouija board a few times in our room as teenagers. I never played. However, not sure if this might have opened doors to anything. And once during an occult meditation, I was hit with violent and intrusive images in my mind out of nowhere. I never had this issue before and I have never been the same since. For the last 10 years, I have been plagued with awful intrusive thoughts. I have seen traditional psychotherapists and evidence-based CBT specialists for this, which has helped somewhat but far from solving the issue.

Lastly, since I got involved in santeria and spiritism, I don't feel comfortable going to church or praying anymore. I feel anxious, restless and rebellious whenever I do. When I pray, I also get highly overwhelmed and the intrusive thoughts return. So I stop. I don't know what to make of any of this. I used to pray and attend church just fine. I believe all of this has to be connected.

Is it possible that I’m dealing with spiritual hijacking here, or might this be strictly psychological? I'm very close to my family and I won’t disown them or break ties with them, but how can I protect myself continuously from santeria's influence and my family's involvement in it? I believe these questions are interrelated. I know I need to fortify my mind and my Christian faith, but I don't know how to achieve this given all of the aforementioned.

Thank you very much. I really hope to hear back from you.