Hello Brother

Thank you always for your insight and prayers. I beleive the virtue of purity is being tested in prayer. ok step by step solution. It has to do with sex abuse I suffered as a child. I am having physical manifestations. I did talk about it counseling but now I need a spiritual perspective.

1. I know if i confess it it seems to get less.

2. i am not clear if i should just stop praying the prayers or devotion such as the rosary and or the divine mercy and to just pray st michael prayer. I fall into a shock, panic and sorrow and it last for usually the rest of the prayer. I can not seem to break through this. I know if I say something it seems to have less hold on me. I also have this in despair God's mercy this too a rushing thought of my past superiors spiritually attacking me saying i am going to hell. Brother there are days when I begin to beleive it. What else i can do but confess this what are some steps right then and there. i am getting so frustrated with this. frequent sacraments such as confession and eucharist. I have done this. deleiverance prayer I have done and the short one. is this all residual stuff from sin of sexual abuse and violence. my apartment has been blessed. i know you have said it is psychological and i get that but i feel its also an attack every time i try to pray. i now have to pray with my eyes open and even then i still have the same thing happen but with my eyes open. i use divine mercy and rosary cd to combat it but it seems like it wants to come out and reek havoc. my other question is doing a physical penance with out your confessor or spiritual director knowing really a sin? what type of sin mortal or venial? sometimes it helps me to refocus on God and less on myself. I had to do this to get motivated after two days of a depressed mood and dealing with asthmatic problem. Should I confess everytime I do do a penance or inflict pain on self to get rid of pain? I do not have a regular confessor yet but i am hoping through God's grace to obtain one soon. I know I will have alot more clarity. There is so much riding on me being able to be stable and calm and dependable and penance does help with that. I have not done it in a while until last night when I could not just stand anymore of these things happening durring prayer and depressed disposition. Sometimes I feel we have to be tough on ourselves to get over self centeredness and move on. I now have a new responsability added on to my others and so even more I need to not get caught up in the past and self pity but move on forward in God's grace by what ever means necessary. What are your insights and generalizations that the church teaches. I had difficulty finding any thing in the CCC. Thank you and God Bless.