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Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
Spiritual Darkness	Janine	Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Question: Bro. Ignatius, God bless you and your wonderful ministry, and may our Lord protect and keep you well and strong throughout your recovery. Please forgive the length of this, I am pouring my heart and soul out here. My question is about spiritual darkness and desolation. Of course, this is prompted by the recent revelations of Mother Theresa, and I can only question more my struggle with doubt. Should such a saintly follower of Christ been plagued most of her life with darkness and feeling deserted by God, what hope is there for me, a lesser soul? I have suffered depression since the age of 12 or so. I was always a very shy, sad child, very sensitive. I first got medical help for depression around the age of 18. I was raised Catholic, but sadly, like so many others, left the church as I entered adulthood, lived a life of sin and did not return until the birth of my own children several years later. Still it took me years to get strong in my faith and to practice it obediently. My marriage ended in a painful divorce, painful custody issues, single parenthood.... well you've heard it all before. I raised my children Catholic, but my daughter became very rebellious at the age of 12, got into a lot of trouble, and my son then went through his own dark demons of depression, an unfortunate victim of genetics. Praise God he is doing well and starting college this week. I had to move in with my mother in order to make ends meet because my job at the time did not pay enough. When my kids got older I tried to date, mostly through the horrors of the internet, but went through horrible rejection and met a lot of "frogs" to put it mildly. I also piled on the pounds more and more due to stress and rejection, and now weigh close to 250 lbs. I tried to become more active in my parish and volunteered for as many ministries as possible, in order to feel that I was worthy and contributed to the greater good and God's glory somehow, as my personal life was in shambles. I fought depression and self-pity, and continued to take medication. I just lived one day at a time, never knowing what the future would bring. Early this year I lost my job and have found only temporary work, unable to keep up with bills. I have no health insurance, and have gone through what little savings I had. I am back in a horrible depression for five months now, each day one of despair and it is hard to get up, put both feet on the ground and go to this temporary job which I barely tolerate, but have to go there because it is all I have. I am grateful to God that I at least have that, even though I dislike it. I continue to search for more appropriate work that pays a living wage. I go to Sunday mass faithfully and daily mass twice weekly, pray the rosary, go to Eucharistic Adoration, confession monthly, novenas, etc. I am a lector, extraordinary minister of communion, bereavement ministry, and funeral vigil lector. I also participate in helping the poor of Appalachia in our parish. I visit your site daily and pray all the hedge prayers for protection from evil spirits, to control thoughts, personal curses, etc. All to no avail. I tell you all this because I feel that I am doing everything that God has called me to do, I am obedient to Him in all things. Yet I feel like nothing. I am filled with self-hate and self-pity because I have been a sad soul most of my life and have failed over and over. My priest tells me to just "hang in there" and continue to pray and accept God's will in my life, because there is always a reason why he permits us to suffer. I guess I always struggle with the "whys" of what our Lord permits in certain people's lives, while leaving others seemingly unscathed. I know this is long and tedious to read, but my point is that I have cried out to the Lord to feel his presence, his arms around me, comforting me. And I get nothing. It has been this way all the time. I suppose I expect too much, yet I feel that God is rejecting me. To feel rejected by God is the worst kind of despair. I just want to feel peace and joy, regardless of my life's circumstances. Then I feel guilty of the sin of presumption..I just can't seem to win here. It is a vicious cycle of hopelessness and despair. I am ashamed to say that I have had thoughts of suicide, thoughts which I have not had for over 15 years. To wake up and suddenly feel the pain again is unbearable. No one can understand it unless they have been through it. I long for the peace of my true home, of heaven, where there are no tears and suffering. Satan has a hold on me and clings tight, yet I continue to pray. So if Mother Theresa lived all her life in darkness, what hope is there for me? Please do not chastise me more or call me a sinner more, I already know that I am one. I already know I am in self-pity, but I am helpless to overcome it. I have tried everything. Thank you for reading this long life story. God bless.
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OMSM(r) Dear Janine: There seems to have been a glitch in our system. I thought I answered your question, but it popped up on our pending questions with a date of 2007. Weird. Since you did not list your email address, I hope you see this. ---------------- I am sorry that you are going through all these trials and tribulations. We will certainly be praying for you. Life can bring a darkness, but God never abandons us or reject us. You need to remember that. Romans 8:26-28; 35, 37-39 states: Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words. And he who searches the hearts of men knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. These are promises of God: 1) when we cannot pray, He will speak to our heart directly bypassing the intellect. 2) all things, the good and the bad, He will bring something good out of it. He will make sweet lemonade out of the lemons of our life, if we let Him. 3) Nothing, but nothing, can separate us from God's love. These are His promises and God does not lie. Thus, thoughts that God has rejected you or does not love you are thinking errors. Such thinking errors are a form of pride (self-pity is a form of pride). It is also a form of distrusting God. You need to hang on to what you know to be objectively true. Your emotions cannot do that. This is not about emotions. You "know" that God loves you and will never abandon you because He says so and He does not lie. Your emotions may not feel that, but emotions are a faker; they are not objective. Hang on to the objective fact. Eventually, the emotions will catch up. Second, you need to persevere. Continue with the spiritual warfare prayers. In fact, I recommend that you follow the entire Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. On of the important aspects of healing is to Abandon ourselves to God's will. There is a link for that in the Seven Steps. Mother Teresa doubted all her life, but she did not wallow in self-pity. She humbled herself and submitted herself to God despite the doubts. She would kneel before the Blessed Sacrament for hours despite her doubts of the Real Presence. She lived the faith even when she did not feel it. That is what you must do, too. Third, you are describing what may be a clinical depression. You need to talk to your doctor about that. Medications can do wonders to break a depression. Doing this is particularly needed because you have had suicidal thoughts. Never, but never, dismiss or ignore suicidal thoughts. Get help immediately from a mental health professional. We will be in prayer for you. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary For information on how to receive help see our Help page. We suggest that before contacting us directly for help you try the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These self-help steps will often resolve the problem. Also our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog contains many prayers that may be helpful. If needed you can ask for a Personal Consultation.

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

Spiritual Darkness

Janine

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Question:

Bro. Ignatius,

God bless you and your wonderful ministry, and may our Lord protect and keep you well and strong throughout your recovery.

Please forgive the length of this, I am pouring my heart and soul out here.

My question is about spiritual darkness and desolation. Of course, this is prompted by the recent revelations of Mother Theresa, and I can only question more my struggle with doubt. Should such a saintly follower of Christ been plagued most of her life with darkness and feeling deserted by God, what hope is there for me, a lesser soul?

I have suffered depression since the age of 12 or so. I was always a very shy, sad child, very sensitive. I first got medical help for depression around the age of 18. I was raised Catholic, but sadly, like so many others, left the church as I entered adulthood, lived a life of sin and did not return until the birth of my own children several years later. Still it took me years to get strong in my faith and to practice it obediently.

My marriage ended in a painful divorce, painful custody issues, single parenthood.... well you've heard it all before. I raised my children Catholic, but my daughter became very rebellious at the age of 12, got into a lot of trouble, and my son then went through his own dark demons of depression, an unfortunate victim of genetics. Praise God he is doing well and starting college this week. I had to move in with my mother in order to make ends meet because my job at the time did not pay enough. When my kids got older I tried to date, mostly through the horrors of the internet, but went through horrible rejection and met a lot of "frogs" to put it mildly. I also piled on the pounds more and more due to stress and rejection, and now weigh close to 250 lbs. I tried to become more active in my parish and volunteered for as many ministries as possible, in order to feel that I was worthy and contributed to the greater good and God's glory somehow, as my personal life was in shambles. I fought depression and self-pity, and continued to take medication. I just lived one day at a time, never knowing what the future would bring.

Early this year I lost my job and have found only temporary work, unable to keep up with bills. I have no health insurance, and have gone through what little savings I had. I am back in a horrible depression for five months now, each day one of despair and it is hard to get up, put both feet on the ground and go to this temporary job which I barely tolerate, but have to go there because it is all I have. I am grateful to God that I at least have that, even though I dislike it. I continue to search for more appropriate work that pays a living wage.

I go to Sunday mass faithfully and daily mass twice weekly, pray the rosary, go to Eucharistic Adoration, confession monthly, novenas, etc. I am a lector, extraordinary minister of communion, bereavement ministry, and funeral vigil lector. I also participate in helping the poor of Appalachia in our parish.

I visit your site daily and pray all the hedge prayers for protection from evil spirits, to control thoughts, personal curses, etc. All to no avail. I tell you all this because I feel that I am doing everything that God has called me to do, I am obedient to Him in all things. Yet I feel like nothing. I am filled with self-hate and self-pity because I have been a sad soul most of my life and have failed over and over.

My priest tells me to just "hang in there" and continue to pray and accept God's will in my life, because there is always a reason why he permits us to suffer. I guess I always struggle with the "whys" of what our Lord permits in certain people's lives, while leaving others seemingly unscathed.

I know this is long and tedious to read, but my point is that I have cried out to the Lord to feel his presence, his arms around me, comforting me. And I get nothing. It has been this way all the time. I suppose I expect too much, yet I feel that God is rejecting me. To feel rejected by God is the worst kind of despair. I just want to feel peace and joy, regardless of my life's circumstances. Then I feel guilty of the sin of presumption..I just can't seem to win here. It is a vicious cycle of hopelessness and despair. I am ashamed to say that I have had thoughts of suicide, thoughts which I have not had for over 15 years. To wake up and suddenly feel the pain again is unbearable. No one can understand it unless they have been through it. I long for the peace of my true home, of heaven, where there are no tears and suffering. Satan has a hold on me and clings tight, yet I continue to pray.

So if Mother Theresa lived all her life in darkness, what hope is there for me? Please do not chastise me more or call me a sinner more, I already know that I am one. I already know I am in self-pity, but I am helpless to overcome it. I have tried everything. Thank you for reading this long life story. God bless.

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OMSM(r)

Dear Janine:

There seems to have been a glitch in our system. I thought I answered your question, but it popped up on our pending questions with a date of 2007. Weird. Since you did not list your email address, I hope you see this.

----------------

I am sorry that you are going through all these trials and tribulations. We will certainly be praying for you.

Life can bring a darkness, but God never abandons us or reject us. You need to remember that. Romans 8:26-28; 35, 37-39 states:

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words. And he who searches the hearts of men knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

These are promises of God:

1) when we cannot pray, He will speak to our heart directly bypassing the intellect.

2) all things, the good and the bad, He will bring something good out of it. He will make sweet lemonade out of the lemons of our life, if we let Him.

3) Nothing, but nothing, can separate us from God's love.

These are His promises and God does not lie.

Thus, thoughts that God has rejected you or does not love you are thinking errors. Such thinking errors are a form of pride (self-pity is a form of pride). It is also a form of distrusting God.

You need to hang on to what you know to be objectively true. Your emotions cannot do that. This is not about emotions. You "know" that God loves you and will never abandon you because He says so and He does not lie. Your emotions may not feel that, but emotions are a faker; they are not objective.

Hang on to the objective fact. Eventually, the emotions will catch up.

Second, you need to persevere. Continue with the spiritual warfare prayers. In fact, I recommend that you follow the entire Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance.

On of the important aspects of healing is to Abandon ourselves to God's will. There is a link for that in the Seven Steps.

Mother Teresa doubted all her life, but she did not wallow in self-pity. She humbled herself and submitted herself to God despite the doubts. She would kneel before the Blessed Sacrament for hours despite her doubts of the Real Presence. She lived the faith even when she did not feel it. That is what you must do, too.

Third, you are describing what may be a clinical depression. You need to talk to your doctor about that. Medications can do wonders to break a depression.

Doing this is particularly needed because you have had suicidal thoughts. Never, but never, dismiss or ignore suicidal thoughts. Get help immediately from a mental health professional.

We will be in prayer for you.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

For information on how to receive help see our Help page. We suggest that before contacting us directly for help you try the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These self-help steps will often resolve the problem. Also our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog contains many prayers that may be helpful. If needed you can ask for a Personal Consultation.