My question comes from something that i have been fighting since about 6 years of age. its this over whelming deep feeling that I’m somehow "born" to die. i give advice to many others and have helped a lot of people and I’m trying to become a LMFT therapist. i don't try to spread any true from of darkness only light but i have "played" with things you would consider "dark magic" or "devil worship" to me good and evil is based on the person interacting, to me good and evil are just different states of mind, if you wish for something evil then that is what will come but i keep good thoughts while dealing with what you may consider "evil".

Since 6 years of age i have had this obsession with death with suicide. Sometimes it felt like i was here to die to become a example for god. its true that those who have died from such a sin as suicide are turned into examples of what not to do and which end up helping others to avoid becoming such a thing. in my beliefs it is possible for both angel and demon to provoke such a sin. to rule out mental disease i have been in therapy and under medications, took a while but found a right combo that helps but even at my highest moment my highest peak of happiness i still can't lose complete sight of suicide ideation. i have meditated to solve my problems that i find the hardest to solve while in a normal state of mind and i take care of myself in many other ways either by modern methods or experimental ones.

My house was once over run by multiple sprits but in time they left but i fear that i may have brought some back. Although i was protected my family suffers seeing them and being haunted by them. i came across a night that wasn't treating me so well, usually i would never attempt a ritual or "spell casting" in a negative mood. Although i did not ask for anything dark i knew my words were not coming from a place of light in my heart as they usually do. i have seen demons in the form of angels and guardians and angels in the form of animal spirits. In this situation i did not try to summon something but i know by opening my own sprit to the world i allowed myself to connect with the world.

im afraid that my already strong suicide ideation combined with a possible return of sprits may cause a guilt trip completing my suicide ideation. i created my own circle of protection for myself, i have never been harassed by sprits when i believe in my protection only seen them but as for my family they have been tortured by their interactions. they have not done anything bad except for intensely watching my family, talking to them in the night, i do not hear this when it happens but i hear it from my family.

My family has a history of connecting catholic works with other forms of holistic works such as tarot card readings etc. it seems a odd combination but I took this idea and combined all beliefs in my life. I feel I’m being forced to pick a side. I do not wish to be restricted to a religion but with so many mixed messages of creating my own death and now the new sense of guilt I have only makes it worse. I mean what kind of child imagines about death and wanting to die before they even began elementary school?

In school I helped others and spread out good intentions but many Christian students made fun of me, calling me Satan because I gave help and encouraging people to try to help themselves before adapting into a new restrict religious life. The teasing almost made me feel like some form of a false prophet.

Even though I help others could I still be caught in spiritual warfare on the darker side, are my insane obsession with suicide being a command by a angel proof that I may be apart of something I don’t want to be or am I taking everything out of proportion and just paranoid?