Dear Brother,

I have read your postings to Marcella and the man who called himself "Theotokos" after our Blessed Mother.

I am thirty two years old and five months pregnant. I have fought double depression amongst other mental illnesses since I was 13. I am writing because I am so desperate. I have been in and out of therapy throughout the time I have mentioned, and more recently had been seeing a Catholic psychologist for a year and a half- almost every week. I have been on many, many different anti-depressants, and before I got pregnant- they were trying anti psychotics such as Zyprexa and Seroquil. I am currently on Celexa, one of the last medications in the supposed 'safe' category I can try.

I make a holy hour every day. I pray the morning and evening prayers in the Magnificat. I go to daily mass and attempt to offer my sufferings to God. I force myself to go to my Legion of Mary meetings, and sometimes I am able to get my work duties done for it. But I am sinking further and further into depression.

What I wish to know is, looking at Marcella's account and 'Theotokos' account, how do you know when the wounds you suffer are biological in nature; when they are gleefully taken advantage of by the bad angels; and when they are caused by the devil, permitted by God?

Please, please pray for me. I am so scared. My psychiatrist is now prescribing Abilify on top of the celexa, and if that does not work, she says the risks that I am running (being suicidal and miserable) are starting to outweigh the possible risks to the baby. I love this little baby very much and I think it deserves to have more than a mother who is so mentally ill. I feel terribly guilty for having to 'run risks' to his/or her's physical well being to treat myself.

I wish with all my heart I could go to Lourdes and ask for a miracle- because I am starting to feel like it would take a miracle to heal these wounds inside me. Again, I ask for prayers. Thank you for your answer ahead of time.

P.S. After I sent off my posting yesterday evening, I began to have doubts that I explained myself well and what kind of advice I seeking from you. The reason why I am questioning whether this depression/anxiety I suffer from is biological or spiritual or both is because ever since I converted back to the Faith, I have had tremendous trials. Some were supernatural in nature. I do not wish to write in detail on them on a public posting.

I have tried hard to follow the advice given to me by priests in the confessional. I have seen the local exorcist priest- the only priest in our diocese that has experience with demonic influences. Everytime I see him (which is only once a year), I have a terrible, terrible time explaining what goes on in my soul. Thus, I feel like I do not give him an accurate picture to discern what is going on within. He tells me to report anything unusual to the Church in confessional and leave it alone. I have always done this, no matter how repugnant. But I am in a great faith and hope crisis within myself.  A person who recieving the type of things I have supposedly received is humble, patient, peaceful and obedient. I can see clearly that I am none of those things. I do not feel that inner peace and joy that St. Teresa, St. Therese, Saint Faustina- all the saints!- speak of.

When looking at that Dominican Father's excellent description of demonic messages versus private revelations from the Divine, I see myself more on the list of what happens to those who are receiving false revelations. I do not know how to heal from these past four years. Like I said, I have seen therapists, doctors and psychiatrists. I have had two spiriutal directors- one who had simply moved and could not direct me, and the other who said he simply could not discern what was going on within me after six months, said he was too new as a priest to help me, and suggested a more qualified one. And that was that. THe priest whom he recommended would not take me on, and said I should have a director, but he could not think of any in this diocese that could help me. He suggested I look towards the younger priests and see if any were qualified. That vague advice was all I was left with.

Brother, all I can do is lay myself humbly at your feet and beg you to pray to God for me. It sounds as if you are not taking on any new clients. If there is anything I can say to you to beg you to prayerfully consider taking me under your wing, I would say it. But I understand that if you do not feel called by God to do it, then that is how it is and I must keep feebly struggling to find someone to help me. Please keep me and this baby in your prayers and pray that I find some light in my sufferings. God Bless.