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Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
Questionable reading material	Tony	Monday, September 28, 2009
Question: I am a male in his early 30s, getting married in 1 month and am a life-long Catholic. I have recently confessed to my fiance that I have had problems viewing porn on the web. I was motivated to bring this into the light by a family member who brought to my attention that my fiance is reading some highly pornographic and perverse novels, journals, etc. (I had been praying and longing to break myself of this sin and this was a strong push to free myself.) This person thinks that I need to break off the engagement. I love my fiance. We go to Mass together every Sunday, we pray together, we both go to confession. She became Catholic about 2 years ago. I proposed later on after prayer because I was sure I could build a family with her centered on God and the Church. We had a great experience when I opened up to her about my problem. She confessed she had a similar problem early in our relationship. She sought help in a book on sex addiction and on CSGSAR. I still do not feel comfortable with what she reads in her leisure time though she says she can get rid of the books and doesn't need to read them. She says she reads them because she understands that part of the brain. She reads the journals of another female author because she says that she was writing what she used to think. She tells me just because I can't separate out the pleasure aspect of this material doesn't mean she can't. She says I am projecting. My fear is that she is not over her addiction and that she fantasizes now through this material. To her credit, this is not all she reads, but some of this material is shocking. I also fear that this will lead her to act out later on when our marriage gets routine or boring. She says her previous addiction did not result in promiscuity and I believe her. But I think this is a highly negative influence for someone who admits to former porn/masturbation addiction. I have spoken to our Deacon who says that I have to ask myself if I am willing to love her for all the good and bad. He made light of the reading material. I am going to speak personally with my pastor and she says she is willing to speak with him together. This is basically a trust issue. I feel all of a sudden that she is hiding something from me or being dishonest with herself about these books. Should I tell her to get rid of them or else? Is this a sign that she is not free from porn? Thank you. Yours in Chris, Tony.
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM Dear Tony: Healing from sexual addictions cannot begin until the person is willing to rid themselves of the things that trigger the addiction. Any and all books, magazines, videos, or any other erotic or pornographic material or "toys" must be destroyed. To not do this means there is still an attachment to those things. This is similar to an alcoholic. Someone addicted to alcohol needs to get rid of all alcoholic beverages in the house and avoid going to bars or parties were alcohol is served. Jesus said that if the eye offends us, pluck it out as it is better to go to heaven with one eye than to go to hell with two. So you both need to pluck out any and all material, items, or activities that trigger your addictions. If your fiance says she can get rid of the books, fine, prove it, get rid of them. The rationalization she is doing is typical of an addict. The so-called "separating out the pleasure aspect of the material" is, in a word, bull. If she really knows how the brain worked she would know that such a sentiment is hogwash. To overcome sexual addictions a person must stop the thinking errors, get rid of any materials that feed the addiction, avoid triggers, and avoid even the near occasion of sin. As far as your marriage is concerned, I do not think it is wise to marry at this time. It would be best to wait until these issues can be dealt with productively. If one marries an alcoholic who says she will stop, what do you think will happen once into the marriage? The fact that she is still indulging these thinking errors proves that she is not ready for marriage. Sexual addiction, even if it is limited only to reading material or pornography and masturbation is still a third party in the marriage bed. It intrudes into not only the couple's sexual relationship, but into their total relationship. Marriage is a holy estate, a Sacrament. I don't think a marriage should be started when one or the other, or both, spouses are dirty from the filth of sexual sin. Pornographic reading material or pictures is an affront to God, a grave sin, a dishonor and disrespect to the spouse, a psychological and spiritual cancer that will eat away at one's soul and the marriage. There is just nothing positive about beginning a marriage with this filth on one's soul. It is a recipe for disaster. We will be praying for you both that you will make the right decision about the marriage, and especially that the addictions will be healed. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary For information on how to receive help see our Help page. We suggest that before contacting us directly for help you try the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These self-help steps will often resolve the problem. Also our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog contains many prayers that may be helpful. If needed you can ask for a Personal Consultation.

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

Questionable reading material

Tony

Monday, September 28, 2009

Question:

I am a male in his early 30s, getting married in 1 month and am a life-long Catholic. I have recently confessed to my fiance that I have had problems viewing porn on the web. I was motivated to bring this into the light by a family member who brought to my attention that my fiance is reading some highly pornographic and perverse novels, journals, etc. (I had been praying and longing to break myself of this sin and this was a strong push to free myself.) This person thinks that I need to break off the engagement.

I love my fiance. We go to Mass together every Sunday, we pray together, we both go to confession. She became Catholic about 2 years ago. I proposed later on after prayer because I was sure I could build a family with her centered on God and the Church.

We had a great experience when I opened up to her about my problem. She confessed she had a similar problem early in our relationship. She sought help in a book on sex addiction and on CSGSAR. I still do not feel comfortable with what she reads in her leisure time though she says she can get rid of the books and doesn't need to read them. She says she reads them because she understands that part of the brain. She reads the journals of another female author because she says that she was writing what she used to think. She tells me just because I can't separate out the pleasure aspect of this material doesn't mean she can't. She says I am projecting.

My fear is that she is not over her addiction and that she fantasizes now through this material. To her credit, this is not all she reads, but some of this material is shocking. I also fear that this will lead her to act out later on when our marriage gets routine or boring. She says her previous addiction did not result in promiscuity and I believe her. But I think this is a highly negative influence for someone who admits to former porn/masturbation addiction.

I have spoken to our Deacon who says that I have to ask myself if I am willing to love her for all the good and bad. He made light of the reading material. I am going to speak personally with my pastor and she says she is willing to speak with him together.
This is basically a trust issue. I feel all of a sudden that she is hiding something from me or being dishonest with herself about these books.

Should I tell her to get rid of them or else? Is this a sign that she is not free from porn?

Thank you.
Yours in Chris, Tony.

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM

Dear Tony:

Healing from sexual addictions cannot begin until the person is willing to rid themselves of the things that trigger the addiction. Any and all books, magazines, videos, or any other erotic or pornographic material or "toys" must be destroyed. To not do this means there is still an attachment to those things. This is similar to an alcoholic. Someone addicted to alcohol needs to get rid of all alcoholic beverages in the house and avoid going to bars or parties were alcohol is served. Jesus said that if the eye offends us, pluck it out as it is better to go to heaven with one eye than to go to hell with two.

So you both need to pluck out any and all material, items, or activities that trigger your addictions.

If your fiance says she can get rid of the books, fine, prove it, get rid of them. The rationalization she is doing is typical of an addict. The so-called "separating out the pleasure aspect of the material" is, in a word, bull. If she really knows how the brain worked she would know that such a sentiment is hogwash.

To overcome sexual addictions a person must stop the thinking errors, get rid of any materials that feed the addiction, avoid triggers, and avoid even the near occasion of sin.

As far as your marriage is concerned, I do not think it is wise to marry at this time. It would be best to wait until these issues can be dealt with productively. If one marries an alcoholic who says she will stop, what do you think will happen once into the marriage?

The fact that she is still indulging these thinking errors proves that she is not ready for marriage.

Sexual addiction, even if it is limited only to reading material or pornography and masturbation is still a third party in the marriage bed. It intrudes into not only the couple's sexual relationship, but into their total relationship.

Marriage is a holy estate, a Sacrament. I don't think a marriage should be started when one or the other, or both, spouses are dirty from the filth of sexual sin.

Pornographic reading material or pictures is an affront to God, a grave sin, a dishonor and disrespect to the spouse, a psychological and spiritual cancer that will eat away at one's soul and the marriage. There is just nothing positive about beginning a marriage with this filth on one's soul. It is a recipe for disaster.

We will be praying for you both that you will make the right decision about the marriage, and especially that the addictions will be healed.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

For information on how to receive help see our Help page. We suggest that before contacting us directly for help you try the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These self-help steps will often resolve the problem. Also our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog contains many prayers that may be helpful. If needed you can ask for a Personal Consultation.