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Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
Severing off a bad friendship	Harry	Friday, September 11, 2009
Question: Dear Bro., There is a friend (really an acquaintance) of mine that I have known since high school, and I am considering severing ties with him. We met at lunch 3 years ago, and we were simply table mates. He was a tad immature and very idiosyncratic. I didn't mind this though. Since we are all brothers and sisters in God's eyes, I put up with his quirks. Occasionally over the year 2008, I would visit him at his house, which constantly smelled of tobacco, sweat and dogs. However, his unusual habits and idiosyncrasies got to the point where it was irritating, if not mildly disturbing (such as peeing in a jar). His dog also bit me (it was a minor scrape) and he thought it was funny, though he apologized after. This behavior was a bane to my desire to visit, but it didn't affect our friendship. He didn't have many friends and was a bit of a pariah (not at all surprisingly). So, as a Christian, I thought it was necessary to maintain good relations and be helpful to him despite his quirks. In the Fall of 2008, he was arrested for shoplifting. He has been on probation over the past year. I have not been over to his house since. I don't want to be with him anymore since he stole. I fear that if I associated with him he may steal from me or I could be seen as an accomplice if he stole in public. He had frequently called my house several times asking me to visit and I have been making excuses to evade seeing him every time. If I refuse him, he will whine. I have been feeling quite awful, morally and otherwise, because I have this notion that he needs me--coupled with the act of bad faith by constantly making excuses. This cannot go on forever, and I know it. At this point, I want to severe ties--but not completely. I will still talk to him on the phone or e-mail. He invited me to go bowling to celebrate his graduation party this weekend, and I'm not sure if I should go. If I went it would be a "Finale", so to speak. After that I will walk quietly and gradually out of his life. I do not plan to see him after that point for aforementioned reasons. Being a Christian, I feel that it is my moral duty to reach out and be friends despite his traits and his moral defects. Though I'm not sure if I'm confusing that with pity or guilt or good character. I'm unsure of what actions to take. I ask for your advice on this matter.
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM Dear Harry: I apologize for the delay in answering. Well, God teaches us to love everyone, even the obnoxious, but that does not mean that we have to like everyone or be buddies with everyone. While we are to be friendly to all (St. Paul said, in Romans 12:18, "If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all"), we generally, we make friends with those people to whom we have some common interest and/or have some emotional bond. Sometimes a friendship does not work out. That's life. Friendships may end because one abuses the friendship in some way or simply because there is a personality conflict. Sometimes we just aren't the cup of tea for each other. A friendship coming to an end, however, does not mean that we cease being "friendly" or that we totally avoid the person (unless there is a problem of serious distrust, emotional or physical abuse, or other danger in association). In many instances the friendship can just fade away, but there are times when we must say to the person, "I am sorry, but I do not feel comfortable coming over to your house, or going bowling with you because you steal things. That places me in an awkward position. We can still talk on the phone and email each other, but I do not think it is prudent to go beyond that." This approach holds him accountable for his actions. We do no one any favors if we indulge their dysfunctional behavior. The person needs to know and to accept that there are consequences to his actions. The consequences to being a thief is not only legal problems, but also losing friendships. Sometimes a friend must say, "Until you stop stealing (drinking, taking drugs, blaspheming God, cussing, etc.) we cannot hang out together." Or, a more general approach: "It has been great seeing you again, but we have different interests and not much in common. I'd like to keep in touch with you from time to time on the phone or email, but it is uncomfortable for us to hang out together." Now with all this said, whether or not you terminate the friendship with this particular person is something that is between you and God. Pray about it. As Mary said to the people at the marriage feast in Cana -- "Go ask [Jesus] and do what He tells you." If you go to a church, perhaps you can also get some advice from your pastor who knows you. Or perhaps there is some other person whom you trust as an advisor to help you with this decision. I can only speak generally since I do not know you or the situation. I do think that your desire to keep in touch with this person, if possible, even if you are not "buddies" anymore is laudable and the Christian thing to do. Pray about it and then make a decision. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary For information on how to receive help see our Help page. We suggest that before contacting us directly for help you try the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These self-help steps will often resolve the problem. Also our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog contains many prayers that may be helpful. If needed you can ask for a Personal Consultation.

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

Severing off a bad friendship

Harry

Friday, September 11, 2009

Question:

Dear Bro.,

There is a friend (really an acquaintance) of mine that I have known since high school, and I am considering severing ties with him.

We met at lunch 3 years ago, and we were simply table mates. He was a tad immature and very idiosyncratic. I didn't mind this though. Since we are all brothers and sisters in God's eyes, I put up with his quirks. Occasionally over the year 2008, I would visit him at his house, which constantly smelled of tobacco, sweat and dogs. However, his unusual habits and idiosyncrasies got to the point where it was irritating, if not mildly disturbing (such as peeing in a jar). His dog also bit me (it was a minor scrape) and he thought it was funny, though he apologized after. This behavior was a bane to my desire to visit, but it didn't affect our friendship. He didn't have many friends and was a bit of a pariah (not at all surprisingly). So, as a Christian, I thought it was necessary to maintain good relations and be helpful to him despite his quirks.

In the Fall of 2008, he was arrested for shoplifting. He has been on probation over the past year. I have not been over to his house since. I don't want to be with him anymore since he stole. I fear that if I associated with him he may steal from me or I could be seen as an accomplice if he stole in public. He had frequently called my house several times asking me to visit and I have been making excuses to evade seeing him every time. If I refuse him, he will whine. I have been feeling quite awful, morally and otherwise, because I have this notion that he needs me--coupled with the act of bad faith by constantly making excuses. This cannot go on forever, and I know it.

At this point, I want to severe ties--but not completely. I will still talk to him on the phone or e-mail. He invited me to go bowling to celebrate his graduation party this weekend, and I'm not sure if I should go. If I went it would be a "Finale", so to speak. After that I will walk quietly and gradually out of his life. I do not plan to see him after that point for aforementioned reasons.

Being a Christian, I feel that it is my moral duty to reach out and be friends despite his traits and his moral defects. Though I'm not sure if I'm confusing that with pity or guilt or good character. I'm unsure of what actions to take. I ask for your advice on this matter.

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM

Dear Harry:

I apologize for the delay in answering.

Well, God teaches us to love everyone, even the obnoxious, but that does not mean that we have to like everyone or be buddies with everyone. While we are to be friendly to all (St. Paul said, in Romans 12:18, "If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all"), we generally, we make friends with those people to whom we have some common interest and/or have some emotional bond.

Sometimes a friendship does not work out. That's life. Friendships may end because one abuses the friendship in some way or simply because there is a personality conflict. Sometimes we just aren't the cup of tea for each other. A friendship coming to an end, however, does not mean that we cease being "friendly" or that we totally avoid the person (unless there is a problem of serious distrust, emotional or physical abuse, or other danger in association).

In many instances the friendship can just fade away, but there are times when we must say to the person, "I am sorry, but I do not feel comfortable coming over to your house, or going bowling with you because you steal things. That places me in an awkward position. We can still talk on the phone and email each other, but I do not think it is prudent to go beyond that."

This approach holds him accountable for his actions. We do no one any favors if we indulge their dysfunctional behavior. The person needs to know and to accept that there are consequences to his actions. The consequences to being a thief is not only legal problems, but also losing friendships. Sometimes a friend must say, "Until you stop stealing (drinking, taking drugs, blaspheming God, cussing, etc.) we cannot hang out together."

Or, a more general approach: "It has been great seeing you again, but we have different interests and not much in common. I'd like to keep in touch with you from time to time on the phone or email, but it is uncomfortable for us to hang out together."

Now with all this said, whether or not you terminate the friendship with this particular person is something that is between you and God. Pray about it. As Mary said to the people at the marriage feast in Cana -- "Go ask [Jesus] and do what He tells you."

If you go to a church, perhaps you can also get some advice from your pastor who knows you. Or perhaps there is some other person whom you trust as an advisor to help you with this decision. I can only speak generally since I do not know you or the situation.

I do think that your desire to keep in touch with this person, if possible, even if you are not "buddies" anymore is laudable and the Christian thing to do.

Pray about it and then make a decision.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

For information on how to receive help see our Help page. We suggest that before contacting us directly for help you try the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These self-help steps will often resolve the problem. Also our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog contains many prayers that may be helpful. If needed you can ask for a Personal Consultation.