Question:
I have a 5 year old who has a habit of masturbating. I discovered this when she was 4, tried to encourage her to be honest with me about it. I had an addiction to this which started at 4 and it became a full blown habit later on which only ceased after much struggle and repeated confession when I was a teenager. I can't help feeling that she has 'inherited this' somehow (sins of the fathers etc).
How do I help my daugher? Since she is under the age of reason she is not sinning but I KNOW that without breaking this habit it will become so. I also know the psychological damage it did to me and all the possible pitfalls that can occur as a result to attachment to this.
I have tried to explain in a very prudent way that God made our bodies good and beautiful; temples of the Holy Spirit and that He does not want us to abuse them, and that even though she feels that this is a 'nice' feeling she is actually causing harm to herself. I have also told her that it is very bad for her mind, body and her soul and that it attracts evil, even though she is not intending this. I have been both gentle, compassionate and at times angry and frustrated with her about this. I mostly encourage her to come to me so I can help her stop it. I have not spoken about chastity and saving oneself for marriage because I feel that she is too young for this, that is, associating the sensation she experiences this with male/female relationships. This knowledge may cause more problems.
She oscillates between confessing to me when she has, and hiding it from me, getting upset when I ask her and crying if I don't believe her (sometimes I have been correct in my suspicions, other times I'm not).
Sometimes she has found it helpful to hold her St Michael chaplet beads when going to sleep or a little St Therese statue (she has a devotion to both). I thought that this put an end to it as she would proudly tell me she didn't do it any more but then I caught her months later during the daytime and she admitted she still was.
I should add that when she was a little younger she did tell me several times that she saw things in her rooms (a devil etc). I still don't know if she was telling the truth or just being imaginative but I encouraged her at the time to say "In Jesus Name, go away!", I now know that this is not the best thing to say but "Jesus, in Your Name, send them away!" or something to that effect. I have also on occasion sprinkled her room with Holy Water. There is blessed salt taped to her bed too.
My husband and I are at a loss but want to help her. I fear for her in many ways, and feel that she will be at more risk from evil than other children, by virtue of different attributes she has that can go in either direction.
Please help and thank you for your advice.
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Question Answered by Mr. Joe Meineke
Dear Barbara,
At this age, your daughter is probably doing this for no other reason than it feels good to her. It could also be a response to stress that she is experiencing. From what I have read, It is actually fairly common for girls to do this at that age - some even younger. As long as you are certain that your daughter has not been sexually abused in any way, at this particular age this behavior is not unusual and will generally go away on it's own.
I understand your desire, given your experience, to "nip it in the bud," but trying to explain the theology of the body to a 5 year old is not going to help as she is simply mentally not capable of comprehending what you are talking about. Remember, she does not even know what sex is at this point. She is not culpable for anything right now, just as my youngest is not culpable when he bites one of us or hits us with a toy or breaks something in the house.
It is, however, appropriate to gently and lovingly explain that it is behavior that is not pleasing to St. Michael, St Therese, or to God. Even at this age a parent needs to teach their children right from wrong (sin). You should not be punishing her, though, nor do I think you should be interrogating her. If anything might cause this behavior to continue into adolescence, it could very well be how you deal with it now. Also, you should not "guilt" her, but calmly explain that there is behavior pleasing to God and behavior not so pleasing. We need to try please God as best we can.
If her behavior continues for a time, I would recommend that you speak with a good Catholic counselor who understands, agrees with, and advises clients on the Church's teaching on masturbation. Such a counselor loyal to the Church can help you approach your child in a way that will not traumatize or shame, but help her to undetand the concepts of goodness and sin in an age-appropriate way that she will understand.
As for your fear that your daughter may have inherited this from you, that is not likely. This is a normal phenomenon that tends to happen without any influence from genetics or environmental factors. It happens as the child explores her own body. Having said that, we must keep in mind the principle that demons are hitch-hikers and opportunists and are experts at capitalizing on existing problems. For that reason it is a good idea to have a spiritual warfare response of prayer and blessing as you are already doing.
Another good idea in general (and I would recommend this even if you didn't suspect demonic activity) is to have your house blessed. If you cannot find a priest to do it, then your husband can do it with your assistance. The Saint Padre Pio Center for Deliverance Counseling has a house blessing procedure that you can find by clicking here. You might also want to pay a visit to the Spiritual Warfare Catalog linked below this post.
We will certainly pray for you and your situation.
For information on how to receive help see our Help page. We suggest that before contacting us directly for help you try the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These self-help steps will often resolve the problem. Also our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog contains many prayers that may be helpful. If needed you can ask for a Personal Consultation.
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