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Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
Sex in marriage	helen	Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Question: Dear Bro Ignatius, Compliments to your website again. I really find it so helpful. My husband and I are married approx 6 months now and we have a very good loving relationship. We have a good sex life in that every love making act really is about marital bonding and self giving. The only problem is that he reaches orgasm and even though he tries to help me reach orgasm through foreplay and the act of love making it doesn’t work. It does frustrate me but when I brought the subject up with him he got annoyed and we had our first fight, plus it really affected his confidence and hurt his feelings. He really tired for a while after that to help me but it seemed like a chore for him and it was definately reducing the real meaning of our marital bonding and he was starting to avoid sex. I really don’t say anything anymore as I don’t want this situation again but to be honest I end up masturbating to release the frustration. I have confessed this but I am starting to feel really ashamed of confessing the same sin so much and not getting anywhere closer to solving the problem. Also each time I have confessed it the priest just prays for purity and I feel like he’s not totally understanding the difficult situation I am in here and I just come away feeling bad. I feel w.r.t. this issue I was better off when I was single because we weren’t involved sexually and therefore I wasn’t frustrated into masturbating. Now I am in a situation where it seems I have only 2 options; raise the subject with my husband and hurt his confidence and feelings which leads to him wanting to avoid sex or say nothing and masturbate and confess it each time. I kinda feel you are going to suggest a counsellor but I don’t think that’s a good idea as my husband gets it hard to face reality and even bringing the subject up with him causes a problem. I don’t know what advice you can give me other than a counsellor but I really need your help on this one. God Bless you always, Helen
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM Dear Helen: I am sorry these problems are present in your marriage. These problems cannot be left unresolved. If they remain unresolved it will eat away at your marriage. Your husband needs to stop being selfish and stop being a prideful jerk. Love seeks a solution, it doesn't avoid it. You two do need to see a counselor. If your husband will not particulate in counseling, then you should go yourself. Counseling can help you to cope with this, perhaps figure out ways to approach him about the issues, and maybe eventually find a solution. Of course, you need to try to not sin. There are strategies to help to avoid sin. For example, exercising is a classic way to work off sexual energies. What I call "passing open windows" is another technique. Most temptations come in small windows of opportunity. Thus, if we can distract ourselves for a few minutes to allow us to pass the window we can successfully avoid the temptation. For example, when temptation comes, get up and wash the dishes, mop the floor, mow the lawn, go shopping, whatever, but move out of the place of the temptation and go somewhere else and do something. By the time the dishes are done the temptation most likely will have faded. When you do fall, go to confession. Do not be afraid to go to confession every week if you have to. God understands and will forgive you when you come to Him with contrite heart and a desire to try to not do it again. But, it appears to me that you need marriage counseling. The problem is finding a marriage counselor who is loyal to the Church. I happen to know such a marriage counselor who can counsel with you over the phone. She is in Colorado. Her name is Kara. She has a counseling practice that is Catholic and her approach is absolutely loyal to the Church. If you are interested in talking to her send me an email and I will get the information to you. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary Email Form Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below: Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum. Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

Sex in marriage

helen

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Question:

Dear Bro Ignatius,

Compliments to your website again. I really find it so helpful.
My husband and I are married approx 6 months now and we have a very good loving relationship.

We have a good sex life in that every love making act really is about marital bonding and self giving. The only problem is that he reaches orgasm and even though he tries to help me reach orgasm through foreplay and the act of love making it doesn’t work. It does frustrate me but when I brought the subject up with him he got annoyed and we had our first fight, plus it really affected his confidence and hurt his feelings. He really tired for a while after that to help me but it seemed like a chore for him and it was definately reducing the real meaning of our marital bonding and he was starting to avoid sex.

I really don’t say anything anymore as I don’t want this situation again but to be honest I end up masturbating to release the frustration. I have confessed this but I am starting to feel really ashamed of confessing the same sin so much and not getting anywhere closer to solving the problem. Also each time I have confessed it the priest just prays for purity and I feel like he’s not totally understanding the difficult situation I am in here and I just come away feeling bad.

I feel w.r.t. this issue I was better off when I was single because we weren’t involved sexually and therefore I wasn’t frustrated into masturbating. Now I am in a situation where it seems I have only 2 options; raise the subject with my husband and hurt his confidence and feelings which leads to him wanting to avoid sex or say nothing and masturbate and confess it each time.

I kinda feel you are going to suggest a counsellor but I don’t think that’s a good idea as my husband gets it hard to face reality and even bringing the subject up with him causes a problem. I don’t know what advice you can give me other than a counsellor but I really need your help on this one.

God Bless you always,
Helen

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM

Dear Helen:

I am sorry these problems are present in your marriage. These problems cannot be left unresolved. If they remain unresolved it will eat away at your marriage.

Your husband needs to stop being selfish and stop being a prideful jerk. Love seeks a solution, it doesn't avoid it.

You two do need to see a counselor. If your husband will not particulate in counseling, then you should go yourself. Counseling can help you to cope with this, perhaps figure out ways to approach him about the issues, and maybe eventually find a solution.

Of course, you need to try to not sin. There are strategies to help to avoid sin. For example, exercising is a classic way to work off sexual energies. What I call "passing open windows" is another technique. Most temptations come in small windows of opportunity. Thus, if we can distract ourselves for a few minutes to allow us to pass the window we can successfully avoid the temptation. For example, when temptation comes, get up and wash the dishes, mop the floor, mow the lawn, go shopping, whatever, but move out of the place of the temptation and go somewhere else and do something. By the time the dishes are done the temptation most likely will have faded.

When you do fall, go to confession. Do not be afraid to go to confession every week if you have to. God understands and will forgive you when you come to Him with contrite heart and a desire to try to not do it again.

But, it appears to me that you need marriage counseling. The problem is finding a marriage counselor who is loyal to the Church. I happen to know such a marriage counselor who can counsel with you over the phone. She is in Colorado. Her name is Kara. She has a counseling practice that is Catholic and her approach is absolutely loyal to the Church.

If you are interested in talking to her send me an email and I will get the information to you.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

Email Form

Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below:
Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum.
Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum
Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum
Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum
Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum