Question:
My husband and I have been married for just over a year now. We had our first baby in May, as I had gotten pregnant on the honeymoon. We are both Catholic, we practice NFP, and accept and believe the Church's stance on sexuality.
We both struggle with masturbation and now that we're married we struggle with the times of abstinence in NFP. We always go to confession and it seemed things have been better lately. But then I was away on vacation this week, and my husband wasn't able to meet up with me until a few days later due to some circumstances regarding his work. Since we dated, he has always struggled with looking at girls, especially on tv, and masturbating. I feel SO horrible when this happens. I am overweight and after having the baby, my body looks even worse, so I know i can't measure up to these women he looks at.
My husband told me he got into internet pornography for the first time while I was away. He was on the computer several times a day.
I feel very depressed. We talked last night, and he admitted that I am not a turn-on to him anymore, and that he pictures other women when he is making love to me. He said men tend to get bored with the same visual stimulation and so it is hard for him to have an orgasm without picturing other women. He hates that he does this. He is a very good man, and I would be so afraid of talking to anyone who knows him about this because they may look at him differently. He's horrified by his actions and wants to change with all his heart.
I cannot even think about making love to him now, and my self esteem is at an all time low. I have such a heaviness and sadness in my heart. He told me he would desire me more if I lose weight...and I am trying. But I need to lose about 50 lbs, and I have only lost 6 so far. I HATE the way I look. I feel so ugly and undesirable. I just don't know where to turn or who to talk to. I've never felt such sadness. Any advice you can offer is GREATLY appreciated.
Dear Nicole:
I am pleased to hear that you and your husband believe and follow the Church's teaching on sexuality. That is refreshing and rather rare these days.
I am saddened to hear about the developing problems in your marriage.
From what you are describing I would say that you two really need to find a good marriage counselor who is Catholic and loyal to the Catholic teachings on sexuality. There are some serious things to work out it sounds like to me such as your own self-esteem and depression issues, your husband's immaturity and his addiction to lust.
That is the central issue with what you are describing with your husband. He has an addiction to lust. He is using rationalizations when he says such things as "men get bored with the same visual stimulation."
To begin with marital relations are not based on "visual stimulation" it is based on love. Love does not need a "visual stimulation" or other prop to be aroused. Lust, on the other hand generally does need that.
For him to fantasize and picture other women while having sex with you is to use you as a sex doll. He is really masturbating and using you as his prop. This is highly disordered.
I would recommend that your husband read and study and follow the advice in a book entitled, Every Man's Battle. There is also an Every Woman's Battle.
To buy either of these books, or one of several others, including one to help women deal with their men who are addicted to lust, Click here
We also have a online support group for those with sexual addictions called the Catholic Support Group for Sexual Addiction Recovery. I recommend that group to your husband as well.
The bottomline here is that your husband has a lust problem. As a result he is approaching marital sexuality not from the point-of-view of love, but rather of lust. He must stop looking at women and pornography and stop fantasizing about women while he is having sex with you. He needs to stop this thinking error that he must have a variety of stimulating images to be aroused.
This task is not going to be easy. Hopefully you can find a marriage counselor who is good and Catholic and not one who stupidly thinks that masturbation and fantasy about other people is a good thing.
To look upon another person in lust is adultery. Jesus said that, your husband needs to remember it.
We will be in prayer for you both.
God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary
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