| Question Title | Posted By | Question Date |
|---|---|---|
| do not understand this? | hyde | Thursday, May 3, 2007 |
Question: Back in 2004 I have sent you a question titled "why isn't God hearing me?" As I had just broken up with my fiance and was feeling very heart broken. I was browsing through your archives tonight and came across this reply from a person by the name of Roy regarding my question, Some thoughts for Hyde: In 1971, a relationship begun in 1966 was dissolved. It was so devastating, I tried to commit suicide, but GOD had my father put a handgun up, empty, which he never did. I wrote to myself. "Why is it so difficult for love to last, when it is so easy to begin? No one asks to fall in love; no one begins the day saying, “Today, I will fall in love.” How often do we ask, “Why did I fall in love?” The answer is in the questions that one asks. Was it the image of the person that was so ethereal, that it did not seem to belong in this given place in time, and was for your eyes only? Was it a hidden strength that was yours for the asking? Was it the smile of innocence that caught your eye? Was it the fragrance of one’s hair, or the softness of one’s skin that ambushed your senses? Was it the beauty of the person within that only you could see? Was it the tenor of the voice that plucked the strings of your heart and caused it to soar through, the pages of the score from the symphony of life? Was it just the simple presence of the one that took your breath away and would not give it back, unless it was to be shared? Was it the presence of the feeling that life was not possible without the person that was the object, or cause of all these feelings? Was it the one time exposure to the most potent and addictive drug known to mankind, love? Was it the embrace of the person that made you feel safe and protected from the emptiness of the world, or knowing no loneliness when held? Was it a general, non-specific, warm feeling that caused one’s insides to flutter whenever you were in that presence? I asked Jesus at adoration, 32 years later, "Sweet Jesus, why did you allow my love and me to break up?" Six months later I was at adoration and gazing upon Jesus and this voice came out of no where. "My son, you asked my why. It was because of you." Be assured! God listens to our pleas! BUT, we must do our part to overcome hurt. . . I am not sure exactly what it means. Can you please elaborate more for me? The reason I was browsing your forums three years later is because I am still heart broken and still in love with my ex-fiance (believe it or not!) I'm currently seeing someone long distance and it's been 15 months, he's a nice person but I can't seem to fall in love with this person because im still in love with my ex which i still talk to at times! I keep praying to God to help me out through this. I want to be fair to the person i'm seeing but at the same time to myself also. I really feel like i'm in an emotional roalercoaster. I do not know what step to take next? Hyde |
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| Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM
Dear Hyde: Well, the "Roy" who posted that is my boss (superior), so I better not second-guess his meaning or I may be answering Q&As from a snow hut in Siberia! Just kidding. I think that what Roy was saying is that when a relationship breaks up the why's are always found in the mirror. That is, we must own up to our part of the failure of the relationship. The failure did not "just happen." Whatever the other person did or didn't do, there is always a part that we must hold ourselves accountable. I think that Roy was also making a point that we must move on. That is the really hard part. We must do "our part" to get on with our lives without that person and to seek peace in our hearts and thus open up our hearts to someone else. I think that was Roy's basic message. We must remember that true love is not an emotion. It is a decision we make. The perfect definition of love in found in 1 Corinthians 13. No where in that definition can be found a "feeling" word. The words used in the definition are all verbs -- it is something we decide to do, it is not something we feel. That does not mean there is not an emotional attachment, there is. But true love is a decision of how we will act toward another person. As to the emotional attachment you feel toward this man, that should fade over time. It takes about five years to get over a serious relationship. After that, one may still have a warm regard for their former loved one, but the intensity normally subsides and allows us to truly open up to someone else. Because of this normal process of time, I do not recommend people date at all for the first year after a divorce/break up. I do not recommend people commit to marriage within the first five years. What you must begin to do is to focus on moving on with your life. If you ruminate over the lost love it will only be more painful and more prolonged than it has to be. You must force yourself to focus on other things like your job, pets, family, your new boyfriend. Avoid ruminating. When you catch yourself ruminating, distract yourself with some other thoughts or activities that engages your mind in some other direction. I know it is hard, but you must continue to focus on moving on. Time is a healer as they say. It is true. I have been through this myself. Our marriage was failing anyway, but when my wife ran off with another man it pretty well shut the door. We were married almost seven years. It took me about five years to truly put her behind me and get on with life on my own terms. I hope this helps you a little. God Bless, Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below: Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum. Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum
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