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How to live a true marriage of love? Rudolf Thursday, February 17, 2005

Question:

Dear Brother Ignatius!

I turn to you for guidance as the marriage of my wife and I is the first time very heavily tried. We look up to God for taking care of our marriage and desire for true understanding of the moral teaching of the Church in the difficulties we have.

I hope you do not mind that I will describe the situation of our marriage somewhat longer, including some of the deep emotional aspects. I suspect that our case is similar to that of many couples all over the world. I wish that sharing our example this way will be valuable for your service.

My wife and I got married 2003 August and we received our most wonderful `gift` in just 10 months after. Both of us are very happy that God had complete control on when to receive our first child.

Our daughter is now 8 months old and I think our marriage is going through a very difficult period. We stopped `making love` in the second half of the pregnancy to make sure we do not hurt our baby. After the birth we also avoided `sexual unity` as the chance of conceiving a second child too early is very high.

Our marriage without physically loving each other started to loose its depth, we lost the most wonderful way of expressing our love. We searched for a place where they teach NFP and started the course. The course is taking 4 months and we continue missing physically loving each other, it is still more than a month to finish it.

I think the spiritual and closely connected emotional aspect of our marriage is key to understand our situation.

From my early childhood I had tried to build my life on the teaching of the Catholic Church, very often though my fitful struggle to understand and live up to the moral teaching of the Church resulted in missing the most significant call: truly loving my wife, family and fellow brothers.

Our marriage goes through a very difficult trial. My knowledge of the moral teaching of the Church is more complete than that of my wife, at the same time I feel that she is much closer in her heart to God than I am.

After I explained her the teaching of the Church on interception, we agreed not to have `sexual unity` until we can responsibly accept a second child (around 15 months after the birth of our first child). We also decided to learn NFP, as we both knew how hard it would be without physically loving each other. We are now close to finishing the course, though the almost one year of `celibacy` has done clear damage to us.

On my side, being afraid of sins – I have very much neglected physically loving my wife. I have been hugging her all the time, but tried to avoid anything more `erotical`. I have taken this to such an extreme that my sexual attraction to my wife has started to decrease, now it became extremely hard to raise desire in me to touch sexually my wife.

At the same time my biological desire for sexuality kept on working, and in avoiding immoral sexuality in marriage, I have fallen into the even more deadly sin of masturbation. Even if done very rarely, as I have been fighting against this with regular confession, my wife recognized this – and I have hurt her in the very deep of her heart.

On my wife`s side, she is slowly accepting NFP, although she finds it highly unnatural and would like to clarify some of her concerns. She does not even consider using condoms, taking the pill or `coitus interreptus`, but does not clearly see the difference between NFP and physically loving each other without full unity. (neither do I). Both of these have the intention to delay conception of a child. On the `objective criteria` obviously we both see the difference.

What both of us do not understand is: why is it morally right to interact physically without `ejaculation`, and why is it immoral to do this when `ejaculation` takes place. Why is this separation? (I find it close to impossible to have any interaction without `ejaculation` in the end)

My wife goes through very difficult times. She is missing very badly physical affection from my side. At the same time her self-esteem is damaged. She feels like I am not attracted to her because she gained some weight after giving birth. She feels that our marriage is empty. Also I am not sure she understands what terrible trap of my mind I have fallen in.

Dear Brother! Please pray to God to guide us in our marriage. Please give us advice!

Thank You!
R.
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM


Dear Rudolf:

We will certainly be in prayer for your marriage.

If is a little difficult to understand some of your points as you tend to be cryptic with what you are talking about. Issues like this need clarity, even if that means using words and describing behavior that we normally do not speak about publicly. I mention this just in case I misinterpreted anything you are saying.

One of the thoughts that come to mind in reading your story is the unfortunate society we live in that has no perception of love that does not involve sex. Sexual abstinence is not the end of the world and, when it is necessary in a marriage, it should not depreciate the marriage at all. There are many other ways to be intimate besides sex. Those couples who need to abstain for a time for whatever reasons need to discover ways to explore ways of loving intimacy without sex. This can be cuddling on the couch, candle-light dinners, taking a walk holding hands, kissing, and caressing (careful not to go too far), etc. What will work for one couple may not for another, but each couple in this situation need to discover what may work for them.

The second thought involves the nature of sin. This is one of those areas that I may be misinterpreting what you are saying. It should be noted that sexual intercourse is not sin between husband and wife even if the couple promised each other to be abstinent for a time. Sexual play that does not end in intercourse is not a sin in-and-of-itself. Sin enters in when the marital embrace is closed to life. This is why contraception is morally evil (condom, IUD, the Pill, coitus interruptus, etc.); it allows selfish indulgence to sexual intercourse without the potential of pregnancy.

In terms of defining "open to life" the primary definition and rule is that the man must ejaculate vaginally. Ejaculation outside of the vagina is to purpose to reject any potential to life contrary to the economy and purpose of the marital embrace as defined by God.

The woman can climax multiple times and this is not sin. But the man must climax only vaginally.

As long as this rule is followed, a married couple can enjoy any sort of sexual play as long as the man ultimately ejaculates vaginally.

Temporary total abstinence is also an option and one that you and your wife have apparently chosen. While this is okay, it can cause strain on the marriage and can open up the couple to near occasions of sin (i.e. such as masturbation) as you well know.

The Church understands these issues and is compassionate. The Church allows the use of NFP when it is for good reason. Even NFP, however, cannot be used with a contraceptive mentality; it is not a "Catholic" contraception. Rather, NFP is a morally acceptable way to regulate births when, and only when, there are serious reasons to do so and when the motive is not selfish on the part of the couple.

From the little that you have said in your narrative it sounds like you do have sufficient reason to use NFP.

Now concerning Natural Family Planning (NFP), the method allows the marital embrace at certain times and demands discipline for abstinence at other times. In otherwords, NFP allows the marital embrace, but in a disciplined way.

Most couples find that using NFP brings them closer together. I imagine one reason for that is that NFP requires one to pay attention to the woman's body and to apply discipline to one's sexual urges. Discipline creates a bond. The close attention to the woman's body that NFP requires creates intimacy. There is nothing more natural than Natural Family Planning.

I would recommend that you begin your sexual life with your wife once again, but this time under the discipline of NFP. I know that it might be difficult to begin a sexual relationship with your wife after a long time of abstinence. That is normal, but it will come back to you and before you know it your sex life will be back to normal.

I hope this helps a little.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary
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