Dear Miguel:

You are not alone. It is also important to remember that God loves you and understands your situation.

Overcoming sexual addictions, as you know, is very difficult -- especially because we live in a sexually overcharged and irresponsible society that cheapens sexuality to mere animalism.

The immodesty of many women (and some men) do not help matters any. The old saw that men (or women) should be able to control their thoughts and thus the women (or men) can dress anyway they wish is utterly irresponsible and even sinful.

Here is the Catechism on the issue of modesty:

2520 Baptism confers on its recipient the grace of purification from all sins. But the baptized must continue to struggle against concupiscence of the flesh and disordered desires. With God's grace he will prevail

- by the virtue and gift of chastity, for chastity lets us love with upright and undivided heart;

- by purity of intention which consists in seeking the true end of man: with simplicity of vision, the baptized person seeks to find and to fulfill God's will in everything;

- by purity of vision, external and internal; by discipline of feelings and imagination; by refusing all complicity in impure thoughts that incline us to turn aside from the path of God's commandments: "Appearance arouses yearning in fools";

- by prayer:

I thought that continence arose from one's own powers, which I did not recognize in myself. I was foolish enough not to know . . . that no one can be continent unless you grant it. For you would surely have granted it if my inner groaning had reached your ears and I with firm faith had cast my cares on you. (St Augustine)

2521 Purity requires modesty, an integral part of temperance. Modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden. It is ordered to chastity to whose sensitivity it bears witness. It guides how one looks at others and behaves toward them in conformity with the dignity of persons and their solidarity.

2522 Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love. It encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships; it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and commitment of man and woman to one another be fulfilled. Modesty is decency. It inspires one's choice of clothing. It keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity. It is discreet.

2523 There is a modesty of the feelings as well as of the body. It protests, for example, against the voyeuristic explorations of the human body in certain advertisements, or against the solicitations of certain media that go too far in the exhibition of intimate things. Modesty inspires a way of life which makes it possible to resist the allurements of fashion and the pressures of prevailing ideologies.

2524 The forms taken by modesty vary from one culture to another. Everywhere, however, modesty exists as an intuition of the spiritual dignity proper to man. It is born with the awakening consciousness of being a subject. Teaching modesty to children and adolescents means awakening in them respect for the human person.

St. Paul says this in 1 Tim 2:9-10 "I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God."

St. John Chrysostom also speaks on modesty. Remember as you read this that the teaching the Saint is giving was 1603 years ago (the 5th century). Nevertheless notice just how applicable it is today in the 21st Century.

You carry your snare everywhere and spread your nets in all places. You allege that you never invited others to sin. You did not, indeed, by your words, but you have done so by your dress and your deportment and much more effectively than you could by your voice.

When you have made another sin in his heart, how can you be innocent?

Tell me, whom does this world condemn? Whom do judges in court punish? Those who drink poison or those who prepare it and administer the fatal potion? You have prepared the abominable cup, you have given the death-dealing drink, and you are more criminal than are those who poison the body; you murder not the body but the soul. And it is not to enemies you do this, nor are you urged on by any imaginary necessity, nor provoked by injury, but out of foolish vanity and pride.

We all have a responsibility for modesty, we are all our brother's (and sister's) keeper, thus we all must consider how our actions and dress will affect others.

This does not mean that a man (or woman) has no responsibility for lustful thoughts! We all have a responsibility to guard our hearts and think upon that which is pure (Phil 4:7-8) and take every thought captive (2 Cor 10:5).

So how do we do this? How do we keep our hearts and minds pure?

1. Self-Discipline: As the Catechism states, we must exercise discipline "of feelings and imagination; by refusing all complicity in impure thoughts that incline us to turn aside from the path of God's commandments." We must take "every thought captive to obey Christ" (2 Cor 10:5).
   

2. Prayer: As St. Augustine teaches us: "no one can be continent unless you (God) grant(s) it. For you would surely have granted it if my inner groaning had reached your ears and I with firm faith had cast my cares on you."
   
   St. James tells us that we have not because we ask not, and that we ask and do not have because we ask wrongly (James 4:2b-3). We need to ask for freedom and healing from our lusts and addictions and we need to pray with humility and desire to please God in our members.
   

3. The Sacraments: Our Lord has given us the Sacraments as instruments of His grace. We need to receive the Blessed Sacrament as often as we can making sure we are properly disposed. The Sacrament of Confession is the way to be properly disposed by being reconciled to God and His Church.
   
   Every time we fall, we need to offer a Perfect Act of Contrition and then seek the Sacrament of Confession at the soonest opportunity.
   

4. Adoration: We need to go before our Lord in the Most Holy Eucharist in adoration at least one hour per week; more if possible. Even if the Eucharist is presented in Exposition in one's parish, it does not matter -- go sit in front of the Tabernacle where the Eucharist is reserved.
   
   When in Adoration, tell God your problems and difficulties with this addiction. Pray the Rosary or any other devotions that you normally use. For at least 20 minutes of your time in Adoration, however, sit quietly and bathe in the rays of the Son.
   
   The Eucharist is like a radioactive substance; it radiates the grace and love of our Lord bathing all who are around with its divine presence. Just sit there and bathe in our Lord's love and let God speak to you. Sometimes we pray so much that God cannot get a word in edgewise.
   

5. Prayer to the Saints: Develop a devotion to saints who may assist you in this particular problem. These patron saints of sexual problems include: St. Augustine, St. Dymphna, and others. Here is a list of other saints who are patrons of sexual temptations.
   

6. Living a Devotional Life: In addition to devotions to saints who are patrons concerning problems of sexual temptations, it is also critically important to live a good devotional Catholic life overall. One needs to be a good, loyal, obedience, and devout Catholic always continuing to grow in faith and in intimacy with God.
   

7. Avoid the Near Occasion of Sin: Avoid anything, in as much as is possible, that may trigger lustful thoughts and temptations. Be careful of the TV shows and movies you watch, the music you listen to, the books you read, the games you play.
   
   Avoid swimming pools and the beach and any other place were women can be found with little clothing. Avoid nightclubs and any place where women may dress provocatively.
   
   In Mass, come early and sit in the front pew so that you do not have to see any women who are sitting behind you; then leave Mass after others have gone. In coming early and leaving late, spend that time in prayer. (I do this by the way, for just this reason).
   

8. Guard your Senses: While looking at a woman's face and eyes may have its temptation, it is better than looking elsewhere. Force yourself to look upon her eyes, or at least her nose or something, but avoid looking down to where you may be tempted by her figure.
   
   St. Peter of Alcantara in his book, "A Golden Treatise of Mental Prayer", said that we need to "Guard your senses, especially your eyes, ears and tongue."
   
   Pope Paul VI in a message to Religious remarked, "It is this same faith which assures us beyond doubt that, with the help of divine grace, we can preserve unsullied, the flower of chastity. To obtain this blessed objective, it is, of course, necessary to practice Christian mortification with more courageous zeal, and also to guard the senses with more diligent care."
   
   And finally, St. Ignatius of Loyola in his Constitutions wisely teaches:
   
   

   "All should take care to guard with great diligence the gates of their senses (especially the eyes, ears, and tongue) from all disorder, to preserve themselves in peace and true humility of their souls, and to give an indication of it by silence when it should be kept and, when they must speak, by the discretion and edification of their words, the modesty of their countenance, the maturity of their walk, and all their movements, without giving any sign of impatience or pride. In everything they should try and desire to give the advantage to the others, esteeming them all in their hearts as better than themselves [Phil 2:3] and showing exteriorly, in an unassuming and simple religious manner, the respect and reverence befitting each one’s state, in such a way that by observing one another they grow in devotion and praise God our Lord, whom each one should endeavor to recognize in his neighbor as in His image. . . . It will be very specially helpful to perform with all possible devotion the tasks in which humility and charity are practiced more; and, to speak in general, the more one binds himself to God our Lord and shows himself more generous toward his Divine Majesty, the more will he find God more generous toward himself and the more disposed will he be to receive graces and spiritual gifts which are greater each day". 

   I offer these quotes and this much space to the subject of guarding ones sense because this is so important to the success of overcoming lustful temptations.

9. Keep Passing Open Windows: Most temptations come to us in little "windows of opportunity" that lasts only a few minutes. If we can distract ourselves for those few minutes we can pass by that open window safely.
   
   For example, if one begins to be tempted by a thought, go do something like wash the dishes, watch the Evening News, mow the lawn, something, anything, that will distract from the temptation. By the time the dishes are done the temptation is likely to be gone.
   
   An old saying is, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop." This is a true statement. Thus get busy and there will not be time to indulge in temptations. This is helpful not only in passing the open windows of temptation, but also in general. A person who is busy working at a job, school, and voluntary work has little time for indulging in temptations. Doing some sort of ministry work is particularly helpful.
   

10. Seek an Accountability Partner: One's confessor can be one accountability partner, but it is also important to have a friend who knows about your problem and can encourage you and to whom you can be accountable to tell when you fall.
    
    In terms of Computer pornography, I HIGHLY recommend Covenant Eyes instead of some blocking program. Blocking programs can be easily defeated. It is not possible to defeat Covenant Eyes. It is a program that does not block anything, but it reports where you go on the Internet to an accountability partner. If you turn the Covenant Eyes program off, or you de-install it, your accountability partner is notified and can thus confront you with it.
    

11. Seek a Support Group: As another kind of accountability partner and more, it can be very useful to join a support group of other people who have sexual addictions. The Catholic Support Group for Sexual Addiction Recovery that we offer on this website can be a valuable assistance. The Support group has been offline for about a year, but we are brining it back online in January 2005.
    
    Other local support groups modelled from the 12-Step programs can also be useful.
    

12. Seek Medical Help: If one is really serious about overcoming sexual addictions then they will discuss with their doctor or psychiatrist the possibility of "Zoloft-class" or similar drug. This drug has a side-effect of lowering libido and it helps to balance serotonin levels in the brain which are thought to contribute to compulsive-obsessive behavior that is a major part of sexual addictions.
    
    One of the men we had in our Support Group last year was on this medication. It did wonders for him. The drug helped to take the edge off the addiction to a point that he could bring it under control, but it did not effect his sex life with his wife.
    
    I take this drug myself and find it extremely helpful. In a tongue-in-check manner I describe the effects of this drug as when watching TV and some woman comes on the screen who is of the exact type that is attractive to me, a lustful thought may begin to cross my mind, but with Zoloft that thought falls into a pothole about mid way.
    
    It can be critically important to explore the possibility of this sort of medication. It can make the difference of bringing the addiction under control or being out of control.

These twelve steps is what I would advise. This steps are not theory, but have been proven useful and successful with people who have sexual addictions. In addition to these steps may also be individual counseling if needed.

I am not suggesting it will be easy. We must persevere in the faith and persevere in our attempts to overcome our addictions.

Hang in there, and keep passing open windows.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary