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Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
Caring for Elderly Parents	Tessie	Tuesday, December 7, 2004
Question: Dear Brother, My husband and I moved in with my 80 year old mother because she could no longer live alone. His 80 year old mother lives in an apartment across town. My mother-in-law misplaces things and accuses her neighbors of coming in her apartment and stealing them. My mother misplaces things and accuses us of stealing them or hiding them to make her think she's crazy. We do all we can for our mothers, but they are both unrelentingly negative and fault-finding. I never got along with my mother particularly well, anyway, and I find this so demoralizing and oppressing, it's hard to cope. We both have full-time jobs, try to take them to dr appointments and where they need to go (neither drives), make sure they eat, have family gatherings, keep house, etc. I want to honor my mother, but I find life with her emotionally exhausting, and my husband and I rarely have time for ourselves. We both have a sibling who lives away and doesn't help at all, and I find myself resenting them. My rational mind knows they have senile dementia, and it really isn't their fault, but the little girl in me still cries for my mother's approval, which I know I'll never get. It hurts me when she is constantly criticizing me/us. I'm relieved when I can go to work and be away from her (I know that sounds awful--I feel in control at work). My husband works days and I work nights, so one of us is always accessable to them. I don't mean to sound whiney, I get depressed and discouraged and it's hard to pray. Between our mothers, and my 2 daughters making bad choices and life decisions, I don't know. I'm struggling, sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. I know God loves me, I'm not carrying my cross too gracefully and I feel guilty when I get angry. I want to do His will as best I can and my best just ain't too good. Thank you for any encouragement you can give me.
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM Dear Tessie: The situation you and your husband are in is certainly a difficult one. We will be in prayer for you. We need to remember that the hierarchy of priorities in a family is: God One's spouse the children the grandchildren one's parents We cannot place our children above our marriage partner. Doing that is one of the reasons for the high divorce rate. We also cannot place the needs of our parents above our marriage partner and children. Doing that is a major source of divorce also. Honoring our mother and father does not imply that we neglect our own immediate family or allow ourselves, our marriage partners, and our children to be harmed due to one's parents. Honoring our mother and father also does not imply that we must accept abuse from them. If the situation is causing the disruption to your marriage and to your spirituality as you describe then you should NOT live with your mother. If she cannot live alone, then there are alternatives such as Home Health Care workers, private duty nurses, Extended Living Centers for the Elderly who do not need extensive nursing care, and when needed, a Nursing home. Even if the mother is not living with you, but is living in her own apartment or facility, there is still the need to set boundaries. We do not have to tolerate constant abusiveness. if their behavior is overly destructive then one must put their foot down to say that, for example, "Mother, I love you, but this behavior cannot be tolerated. If you are going to act this way, then we are leaving." Do not argue about it, merely state the fact and then leave. If the behavior continues on the next visit, then make the same speech and leave again. Eventually she may get the point. Tough love is not just a method to use with teenagers, it is a method to use with anyone who needs it. With that said, we need to allow "love to cover a multitude of sins". We need to put up with some abuse and bad behavior especially when the person may not be fully culpable for their actions. Pray to God for patience and perseverance. All you can do is try. God understands the pressures and the falls. But remember, God never allows anything to come into our lives that we cannot handle, or which we cannot resolve in some way. That is God's promise and God is not a liar. Spend some time before the Blessed Sacrament in the Tabernacle. Sit there quietly for a while and allow yourself to bathe in the rays of the Son. Also spend time talking to our Lord and let Him know your feelings and concerns. This one action can do wonders in helping us cope with hard situations. We will be praying for you and your family and for your mothers. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below: Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum. Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

Caring for Elderly Parents

Tessie

Tuesday, December 7, 2004

Question:

Dear Brother,

My husband and I moved in with my 80 year old mother because she could no longer live alone. His 80 year old mother lives in an apartment across town. My mother-in-law misplaces things and accuses her neighbors of coming in her apartment and stealing them. My mother misplaces things and accuses us of stealing them or hiding them to make her think she's crazy.

We do all we can for our mothers, but they are both unrelentingly negative and fault-finding. I never got along with my mother particularly well, anyway, and I find this so demoralizing and oppressing, it's hard to cope.

We both have full-time jobs, try to take them to dr appointments and where they need to go (neither drives), make sure they eat, have family gatherings, keep house, etc.

I want to honor my mother, but I find life with her emotionally exhausting, and my husband and I rarely have time for ourselves. We both have a sibling who lives away and doesn't help at all, and I find myself resenting them.

My rational mind knows they have senile dementia, and it really isn't their fault, but the little girl in me still cries for my mother's approval, which I know I'll never get. It hurts me when she is constantly criticizing me/us. I'm relieved when I can go to work and be away from her (I know that sounds awful--I feel in control at work). My husband works days and I work nights, so one of us is always accessable to them.

I don't mean to sound whiney, I get depressed and discouraged and it's hard to pray. Between our mothers, and my 2 daughters making bad choices and life decisions, I don't know. I'm struggling, sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.

I know God loves me, I'm not carrying my cross too gracefully and I feel guilty when I get angry. I want to do His will as best I can and my best just ain't too good.

Thank you for any encouragement you can give me.

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM

Dear Tessie:

The situation you and your husband are in is certainly a difficult one. We will be in prayer for you.

We need to remember that the hierarchy of priorities in a family is:

God
One's spouse
the children
the grandchildren
one's parents

We cannot place our children above our marriage partner. Doing that is one of the reasons for the high divorce rate. We also cannot place the needs of our parents above our marriage partner and children. Doing that is a major source of divorce also.

Honoring our mother and father does not imply that we neglect our own immediate family or allow ourselves, our marriage partners, and our children to be harmed due to one's parents.

Honoring our mother and father also does not imply that we must accept abuse from them.

If the situation is causing the disruption to your marriage and to your spirituality as you describe then you should NOT live with your mother. If she cannot live alone, then there are alternatives such as Home Health Care workers, private duty nurses, Extended Living Centers for the Elderly who do not need extensive nursing care, and when needed, a Nursing home.

Even if the mother is not living with you, but is living in her own apartment or facility, there is still the need to set boundaries. We do not have to tolerate constant abusiveness. if their behavior is overly destructive then one must put their foot down to say that, for example, "Mother, I love you, but this behavior cannot be tolerated. If you are going to act this way, then we are leaving."

Do not argue about it, merely state the fact and then leave. If the behavior continues on the next visit, then make the same speech and leave again. Eventually she may get the point. Tough love is not just a method to use with teenagers, it is a method to use with anyone who needs it.

With that said, we need to allow "love to cover a multitude of sins". We need to put up with some abuse and bad behavior especially when the person may not be fully culpable for their actions. Pray to God for patience and perseverance.

All you can do is try. God understands the pressures and the falls. But remember, God never allows anything to come into our lives that we cannot handle, or which we cannot resolve in some way. That is God's promise and God is not a liar.

Spend some time before the Blessed Sacrament in the Tabernacle. Sit there quietly for a while and allow yourself to bathe in the rays of the Son. Also spend time talking to our Lord and let Him know your feelings and concerns.

This one action can do wonders in helping us cope with hard situations.

We will be praying for you and your family and for your mothers.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below:
Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum.
Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum
Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum
Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum
Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum