| Question Title | Posted By | Question Date |
|---|---|---|
| Choosing a marriage partner | Faith | Thursday, November 4, 2004 |
Question: Brother Ignatius, I do hope you are feeling better and appreciate the time you devote to this forum in light of your medical condition. I have often wondered, other than the attributes the bible describes for a "noble wife" or a "good man" what is a Christian supposed to base their choice of marriage partner on? I know it goes without saying that two should not be unequally yoked, and we should be looking for a person with good character. But aside from that, isn't the idea of romantic love as a basis for marriage a relatively new one? I know many cultures (albeit probably not Christian ones) view romantic love as foolish and marriages are either arranged or looked at as almost a business deal. With that in mind, I have to question if things like mail-order brides and "arranged marriages" are a sin? If a woman is getting married simply to secure a lifestyle and is basically bartering her housekeeping, sexual and child-bearing services in order to be taken care of, isn't this a sin in the absence of real love and passion? I have always thought of these situations as just another form of prostitution. Then again, I know in many cultures, romantic love is seen as foolish. I am at a point in my life where my "romantic" feelings and inclinations have not resulted in a lasting relationship, but the prospect of marrying someone who is basically nice and would make a "good husband and father" but who I am not attracted to or in love with is very depressing. Friends and family tell me I have just not met the right one yet, and to not rush God's timing. But how do I know if God even wants me to be married? I finally feel I have reached a level of maturity and understanding that I would actually make a better wife than if I had married much younger, but decent, compatible men seem to be few and far between. You can't force yourself to love someone and vice versa. Any insights from a biblical or church perspective would be appreciated. |
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| Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM+
Dear Faith: Thank you for your prayers. I am feeling a little better. I think you have covered most of what to look for in a potential spouse -- same faith, devout Christian, emotionally stable, capacity to love in the true sense (love is an act of will to act. It is not a mere feeling), is secure and appropriately loves self and loves others, compassionate, able to communicate, and all the other psychological and personal attributes that make for a good life-partner. In addition, the person needs to understand marriage as God sees it, and not just as the secular world sees it. On the negative side, I always tell engaged couples to look at each other and think of each other's most irritating quality. Then I ask them to ask themselves if they can live with that irritation for the rest of their lives. If not, then do not marry. Facts are that such irritating habits and attributes are not likely to change after the marriage. Women in particular seems to have this delusion that everything will be okay because they can "change my man" once they are married. WRONG. If the couple cannot live with the bad habits and attributes of their intended then they cannot expect that to change after marriage -- thus best to not get married. The couple must be able to accept each other "as is" with no expectation of change in the future. The bottomline for any marriage is for it to be God-centered. A couple should pray together and live a prayerful life. God bless,
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