Dear Michael:

I am sorry for your loss. We will certainly be in prayer for your son.

By "door-mat" we mean allowing others to abuse you or take advantage of you. This is not about what you do for others, it is about setting limits on what behavior perpetrated upon yourself by others that you will tolerate.

If we have a family member or friend who constantly humiliates us, calls us names, and treats us badly, we can tell that person to stop the behavior and to have some respect toward you. If the person does not stop then, as a last resort, you may disengage from the relationship. This principle is mentioned in the Gospel, Matthew 18:15-17 and also Matthew 10:12-15. St. Paul uses this principle in several places, such as Titus 3:10-11; 1 Corinthians 5:19-13; Romans 16:17 and St John in 2 John 1:7-11; Romans 16:17; and the excommunication passage of 1 Corinthians 5:1-5, and other passages. There are times in which we must shun people, according to the Bible.

In like manner, a woman does not have to be a door-mat in the form of being a punching-bag for her husband or boyfriend. Domestic violence is grounds for separation.

As for "aren't you a Christian", it is the Christian thing to do to confront someone who is treating you badly. It is also the Christian thing to do to severe the relationship as a last resort if necessary. St. Paul again talks about this concerning excommunication in 1 Corinthians 5:1-5 and elsewhere (see above). The excommunication is an act of love. The point is that hopefully the person will see that his behavior is so egregious that excommunication was necessary and by that repent and come back into fellowship. The Corinthian teaching ends with: To deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh [excommunicate], that the spirit may be saved [that he will eventually repent] in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.

We do not do the bully any favors by allowing him to bully us. If we allow ourselves to be door-mats then we, by our submission to the bully or abuser, encourage that bully or abuser to continue their abuse.

Now, with all that said, God may call us to submission, to allow ourselves to be abused. Jesus did this when he was arrested. He allowed himself to be abused and to die for our sake.

There are stories where wives treated badly by their husbands, accepted that treatment and lived, nonetheless, a Godly life praying for her husband. After several years the husband repented. In cases like this, any resistance on the part of the wife gives the husband an excuse, a distraction, from listening to the Holy Spirit. If the wife submits to the abuse in a Godly way, then there are no excuses and no distractions for the husband to finally listen to the Holy Spirit and repent. There is no guarantee of this repentance, of course, but the way is clear for it when the wife did not resist.

For the wife, she can lift up her suffering to God and the Blessed Mother for the salvation of souls, for those in purgatory, or for the repentance of her husband. This is a most powerful prayer. She also will receive may graces to grow in spirit and in the faith.

Thus, there is no pat answer here. We must be open to the Holy Spirit to instruct us to stand-up against the abuse, or to submit to it in mortification and humility for the good of the other person and ourselves. Which are we called to do?

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary