Dear Maria:

I can see that you are in great pain and are thus lashing out at God. But, Maria, God is not responsible for any of this. He is not punishing you. He did not "put" you into your family. You were born into that family because your parents conceived you. God did not give you a "hurtful childhood" and God did impose upon you this child molester, nor the disordered feelings you think are love, nor the pain you are in now. God did none of this.

Free will allows us to make any decision we wish. We all suffer the consequences of bad decisions. We all suffer the consequences of bad decisions made by other people. This is the nature of a fallen and sinful world. Sometimes those bad decisions of our own or of others causes such pain that it causes psychological problems and illness and great dysfunction. This is happening to you which is why you must seek out professional counseling.

God has great mercy upon us. Because of this fallen and sinful world He sent His Son to die for our sins upon the Cross. This allows us to have eternal life in friendship with God in heaven. In heaven we are guaranteed happiness and bliss. We are not guaranteed happiness in this life. In this life we have many trials and tribulations. That is life.

God also has mercy upon us in a personal particular way. God had mercy upon you when this disordered relationship ended, He has mercy upon you in your finding these Q&As allowing you to ask these questions. He has mercy upon you by giving you the Church and her pastors whom can help you through these spiritual and faith issues. He has mercy upon you in giving us the Church and her Sacraments, especially that of Confession and the Eucharist. He has mercy upon you by providing counselors to help you.

God has great mercy in your life if you will open you eyes to see it.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions and your own life and stop blaming others. You will need professional counseling to accomplish this as your thinking and your feelings are so disordered that you may not be able to heal on your own. God has mercy upon you by giving you counselors, doctors, pastors, and spiritual directors to help you heal. But, He will not force you to seek help from these professionals. You must choose to do so and make the effort to seek them out and to work on you own healing. God will help you, but you must do your part.

I did not say, "God will heal everything. But even if you don't trust in God time will heal it." I said that, "God, however, is always there to heal you and to guide you into good decisions, but the decision is always yours to make."

I also said:

..get on with your life, God can heal you, but you must let him do that. One way healing happens is by becoming devout. Focus on your Catholic faith. Become the best Catholic you know how to be. Pray to the saints to help you. Ask our Blessed Mother to comfort you and heal you. Be sure to go to Holy Mass on each Sunday and Holy Days of Obligation. If you can get to daily Mass sometimes that would be great. From now on be pure in body and spirit. When you do sin, go to Confession.

Spend time in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, sitting in front of the tabernacle if the Blessed Sacrament is not exposed in a monstrance. Tell God your trouble as you bath in the rays of the Son. Be sure to spend some time in adoration in silence.

And, seek professional psychological help for your anxieties and psychological pain, and seek a priest to help you through the faith issues.

The "why" questions about our existence are answered right out of the Catechism. Ask your pastor to find you a Baltimore Catechism as it has the simplest explanations. I think you need to start simple and work your way up to more complex answers. For example are these questions and answers from the Baltimore Catechism #1:

6. Why did God make you?

A. God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him forever in heaven.

God gave us free will in order to love him, to love ourselves, and to love our neighbor. Love cannot be forced, it must be chosen. Without free will we could not choose to love. Without free will we would be animals, not human beings made in the image of God.

But, this free will also gives us the ability to reject God, to choose against love, to sin. God loves us so much that He allows us to choose badly because if He forced us to choose correctly we would not be His children, but robots or animals.

Free will gives us the ability to choose and thus we must accept the consequences of our choices no matter what they may be. We will also suffer from other people's choices as God will not force them to make right decisions either.

We worship God because He is God. He created us out of love and He loves us perfectly. He made us in His image to know and love Him, to choose to love. He loves us so much that He gives us the choice to love Him or not. He sustains us and never abandons us even if we do not love Him. He helps us through the hard times if we let Him. He is our perfect Father. As the Catechism says, "...we must worship God by faith, hope, and love; that is, we must believe in Him, hope in Him, and love Him with all our heart." We do this because He is God.

God knows our suffering and He has great compassion for us. That is why He sent His Son, that is why He gave us the Church, that is why he gave us counselors and doctors. Healing comes from God's children helping each other and us working to find healing in our lives. God helps, but it is we that must choose to do what is necessary to facilitate that healing. 

Maria, we will pray for you, but you must find a counselor to help you through this and talk to your pastor about the faith issues. We cannot serve these positions for you. It is beyond what we can do in a Q&A Forum.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary