| Question Title | Posted By | Question Date |
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| is marriage allowed if one had sex before | maria | Wednesday, September 10, 2014 |
Question: Dear Brother I fell in love with a Hindu guy when I was 14 years old.(he is 6 years older than me). He tied mangalsutra on me and convinced me we are married. We had been living as a husband and wife for 11 years. We are not living together. But whenever we meet we have sex.we have been using withdrawal method to avoid pregnancy. I love him so much and I want to live with him for the rest of my life. He had agreed to convert to Christianity. HIs family is financially poor but mine is a well reputed family. So we knew our family would be against it but we always prayed. My dad is an alcoholic and ever since I was a kid I just wanted to be a good wife and have a husband who loves me and cares about me. So when I met him I thought he was the one. He is a good man. My grandmother who passed away recently was so against this relationship. my mom also says if I marry him I will destroy the whole family and I will cause chaos and my parents might even commit suicide or murder because of the shame in society. Soon after the death of my grandma he started having second thoughts. He says he loves me but cannot get married as his parents will also commit suicide if he marries me. HE now says let us breakup. I was soo devastated. I love him and I know he loves me too.but he is now sacrificing my love for his parents. I cannot live without him...I love him sooo deeply. Every single thought I would share with him. But now I'm clinging on to him. He says we can never get married. His family is planning to get him married to some one else. I cannot bear that thought. I believe we are married even if it wasn't done in a church. My questions are All I want to do is God's will even if it means I'm hurting. I was not aware of the sin (sexual intercourse) i always considered us to be married. I know my post is long but I thought to explain the situation in detail so I can get an advice and answer from you. |
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| Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OMSM(r), LTh, DD
Dear Maria: I apologize for the delay in answering. I am sorry for these troubles, but frankly, Maria, you have no business dating, let alone marrying, a Hindu. You need to date and marry a Catholic. Nothing but trouble can come from marrying a non-Christian, especially in the raising of children. A father is suppose to be the spiritual leader and is to model what a good Catholic man should be. A Hindu father cannot do that. But, what is really troubling is that if this 20 year old man was dating you, and having sex with you when you were underage, then he raped you. It is 3rd degree rape and he should be in prison. He did not love you, he molested you. You did not truly love him because a 14 year old is not capable of mature romantic love and is not old enough to consent. The human brain is not even fully formed until around 20-21 years of age. The last structure in the brain to form is that responsible for wisdom. Thus, you were not capable of properly discerning this relationship at that age. Based on what you have said about your family I suspect there are some very deep psychological problems in both families. Destroying the family and especially threats of suicide indicate a deeply troubled and dysfunctional family dynamics. I would suggest you see a counselor. It is very disturbing that you are still in a relationship of a man who should be in prison for dating you when you were underage. In addition, he hoodwinked you again by this false marriage with the mangalsutra. You have been living in sin, called concubinage, by living as married when you were not. The birth control practiced was yet another grave sin. You need to let this man go, seek counseling, get yourself psychologically healthy, and then think about dating Catholic men. To your questions. Question 1: Love does not "cling", which shows that the love is not really love but a psychologically disordered need. As for his leaving, he is an unbeliever. St. Paul tells us to let an unbeliever go. Question 2: You need to go to Confession to confess all these and any other sins. God will forgive you and you can start again. One does not have to be a virgin to get married in the Church. You also need professional counseling to resolve any dysfunctional psychological problems you have. Then and only then should you even think about dating and marriage. Question 3: You need to be honest with anyone you marry. Holding secrets will only cause problems. If the man gets upset that you are not virgin, then he is not the man for you as he is too insecure and will not make a good husband. Question 4: You were never married to the Hindu, as I understand it, thus unless you have been married to someone else you can get married in the Church. If there are previous marriages, then an annulment is needed to get married in the Church. But, from what I understand you have never been married, thus there is not sin and you are free to marry in the Church. But, I caution you, given your family history and your own history I would suggest that you are not ready for marriage. You need to build your self-esteem and sense of self before you can enter into a relationship with someone else. I suggest professional counseling to resolve all those issues before you begin dating again. We will be praying for you. God Bless, Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below: Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum. Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum
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