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Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
Christ Second Commandment,	John T.	Monday, April 7, 2014
Question: Bro. Ignatius, I have a problem, not only with myself, but also with my wife. I live in a retirement 55 plus community and have lived here for more than ten years. For the first seven years we became very close in friendship to our neighbors. We were at the point where they would enter our house without knocking or an invite, something that I could never do, and have never done. Each time that we were invited over one of our neighbor’s homes I always brought some kind of food and drink with me while others who came never did, not only there, but when they came over to our house, unless it was for a dinner invitation they came empty handed. Six of our neighbors have hurt my feelings in a way that I would never have hurt them. Another neighbor and his wife have now been invited to dinner over our house four times and have never once returned the invitation. Even an invite for a cup of coffee and a piece of cake would have been greatly appreciated. My wife still remains friends with all of them and has overlooked whatever insult and hurt they have caused me. I have chosen, almost three years ago to simply sever all relationships with them. I do not hate them, I do not wish them harm, I pray for them and wish them the best in health and fortune, but I simply have chosen, to no longer continue any kind of a relationship with them. I do love them because Christ said we must love our neighbor as we love our self. But I must be truthful, I do not like them, and I am certain that, although Jesus love everyone, Jesus did not like everyone. My wife, an avid reader of scripture and books on the Saints, has come to the conclusion that I should be the one to confront these people, even apologize for whatever hurt they have caused me that caused our separation. I do not agree, and think that the best thing I can do is to separate myself from them, pray for them, and wish them well. Shortly before Thanksgiving Day this year one of our neighbor’s whom I have not spoken too for these many years was involved in a car accident. Her injuries were substantial and so, knowing that she would not be able to prepare a Thanksgiving meal or even go out to obtain one, I offered her an invitation to share Thanksgiving dinner with us, she declined. Even with that I made sure that we sent a nice dinner over to her which she accepted. Then, two days before Christmas I did, once again, extend to her an invitation to have Christmas dinner with us, again she declined. This time I did not send a dinner over to her. In the month of January we were having a few people over for dinner and I decided to try, once again, to waive the white flag in hopes that these same people would choose to let friendship once again prevail. Again I was wrong because they did indeed once again decline. And so, now, I simply think the best road for me to follow, is to stay clear of these people, pray for them, and if, any, of them, truly would required assistance, I know, in my heart, that I would be one of the first to offer assistance. You’re advice Bro. Ignatius, will be, as always, greatly treasured. God Bless and thank you, John T.
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OMSM(r), LTh, DD Dear John: It is true that Christ ask us to love everyone, even our enemies. We are not required to like everyone, nor are we required to have dinner with everyone. But, we are required to be friends with everyone inasmuch as it depends upon us (Rom 12:18 "If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all"). From your description about what has been happening I would suggest that you have not necessarily follow the advice of St. Paul. As a result even when you now put forward a white flag you may not get a response, which apparently is what is happened. Your neighbors like a response is most likely because of your previous cold shoulder to them. That is unfortunate, but even Christians often times behave in such ways. Both you and me need to remember that we live in a culture that no longer practices the virtues of consideration and anticipation of other people's needs. Lesser social conventions such as bringing over some food or wine when invited over for dinner has also been lost in our culture. We have to accept that and not be judgmental of those who do not practice those conventions for that is just the way it is today. We can bemoan the loss of those social conventions in a general way, and I do talk about it, but we must refrain from being too judgmental on people who no longer practice these conventions. One reason is because it doesn't occur to them. Your neighbors are not trying to be rude, it is just that it doesn't occur to them to practice such social conventions even though you are modeling those conventions when you come to their house. Thus, you're distancing yourself from these people I think was not proper. It sounds to me like you are the one to begin the cycle of cold shoulders. Thus, you ought to consider apologizing to your neighbors for giving them the cold shoulder. Do not confront them, as it is with all apologies it must be done with no "buts" or any statement as to their behavior. As a quote from St. Paul suggests we can only control ourselves and our behavior but not that of other people's. The attitude which we must take is to freely give without expectation of return. Our decision to give to others cannot be dependent upon whether or not that other person gives back to us. When the other person does not return our gestures we still need to be joyful and friendly and continue to be giving to that person. There are situations in which an abusive relationship develops. When that happens it is appropriate to distance oneself from that individual. But, from your description that is not what is happening here. There is a video (advertisement) from Thailand that illustrates this point of giving without expectation of return and that is the kind of attitude we ought to have. The man does good to others even though people think he is crazy, or the people do not appreciate it at first. He gives to a little homeless girl begging on the street for money to go to school. He gives freely: God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below: Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum. Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

Christ Second Commandment,

John T.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Question:

Bro. Ignatius,

I have a problem, not only with myself, but also with my wife. I live in a retirement 55 plus community and have lived here for more than ten years. For the first seven years we became very close in friendship to our neighbors. We were at the point where they would enter our house without knocking or an invite, something that I could never do, and have never done.

Each time that we were invited over one of our neighbor’s homes I always brought some kind of food and drink with me while others who came never did, not only there, but when they came over to our house, unless it was for a dinner invitation they came empty handed.

Six of our neighbors have hurt my feelings in a way that I would never have hurt them. Another neighbor and his wife have now been invited to dinner over our house four times and have never once returned the invitation. Even an invite for a cup of coffee and a piece of cake would have been greatly appreciated.

My wife still remains friends with all of them and has overlooked whatever insult and hurt they have caused me. I have chosen, almost three years ago to simply sever all relationships with them. I do not hate them, I do not wish them harm, I pray for them and wish them the best in health and fortune, but I simply have chosen, to no longer continue any kind of a relationship with them.

I do love them because Christ said we must love our neighbor as we love our self. But I must be truthful, I do not like them, and I am certain that, although Jesus love everyone, Jesus did not like everyone.

My wife, an avid reader of scripture and books on the Saints, has come to the conclusion that I should be the one to confront these people, even apologize for whatever hurt they have caused me that caused our separation. I do not agree, and think that the best thing I can do is to separate myself from them, pray for them, and wish them well.

Shortly before Thanksgiving Day this year one of our neighbor’s whom I have not spoken too for these many years was involved in a car accident. Her injuries were substantial and so, knowing that she would not be able to prepare a Thanksgiving meal or even go out to obtain one, I offered her an invitation to share Thanksgiving dinner with us, she declined.

Even with that I made sure that we sent a nice dinner over to her which she accepted.

Then, two days before Christmas I did, once again, extend to her an invitation to have Christmas dinner with us, again she declined. This time I did not send a dinner over to her.

In the month of January we were having a few people over for dinner and I decided to try, once again, to waive the white flag in hopes that these same people would choose to let friendship once again prevail. Again I was wrong because they did indeed once again decline.

And so, now, I simply think the best road for me to follow, is to stay clear of these people, pray for them, and if, any, of them, truly would required assistance, I know, in my heart, that I would be one of the first to offer assistance.

You’re advice Bro. Ignatius, will be, as always, greatly treasured.

God Bless and thank you,

John T.

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OMSM(r), LTh, DD

Dear John:

It is true that Christ ask us to love everyone, even our enemies. We are not required to like everyone, nor are we required to have dinner with everyone. But, we are required to be friends with everyone inasmuch as it depends upon us (Rom 12:18 "If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all").

From your description about what has been happening I would suggest that you have not necessarily follow the advice of St. Paul. As a result even when you now put forward a white flag you may not get a response, which apparently is what is happened. Your neighbors like a response is most likely because of your previous cold shoulder to them. That is unfortunate, but even Christians often times behave in such ways.

Both you and me need to remember that we live in a culture that no longer practices the virtues of consideration and anticipation of other people's needs. Lesser social conventions such as bringing over some food or wine when invited over for dinner has also been lost in our culture. We have to accept that and not be judgmental of those who do not practice those conventions for that is just the way it is today. We can bemoan the loss of those social conventions in a general way, and I do talk about it, but we must refrain from being too judgmental on people who no longer practice these conventions. One reason is because it doesn't occur to them. Your neighbors are not trying to be rude, it is just that it doesn't occur to them to practice such social conventions even though you are modeling those conventions when you come to their house.

Thus, you're distancing yourself from these people I think was not proper. It sounds to me like you are the one to begin the cycle of cold shoulders. Thus, you ought to consider apologizing to your neighbors for giving them the cold shoulder. Do not confront them, as it is with all apologies it must be done with no "buts" or any statement as to their behavior. As a quote from St. Paul suggests we can only control ourselves and our behavior but not that of other people's.

The attitude which we must take is to freely give without expectation of return. Our decision to give to others cannot be dependent upon whether or not that other person gives back to us. When the other person does not return our gestures we still need to be joyful and friendly and continue to be giving to that person.

There are situations in which an abusive relationship develops. When that happens it is appropriate to distance oneself from that individual. But, from your description that is not what is happening here.

There is a video (advertisement) from Thailand that illustrates this point of giving without expectation of return and that is the kind of attitude we ought to have. The man does good to others even though people think he is crazy, or the people do not appreciate it at first. He gives to a little homeless girl begging on the street for money to go to school. He gives freely:

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below:
Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum.
Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum
Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum
Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum
Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum