Dear John:

I'm sorry to hear about your son and "daughter-in-law." These things are always difficult, painful, and delicate. It is important to maintain a relationship with our children, but at the same time we cannot compromise the truth and the faith. Jesus himself said that he did not come to bring peace but division, and then described how families are ripped apart because of Him (Matt 10:34-37). Nevertheless, we need to do everything we can within our power to maintain a relationship with our children. If the relationship is problematic or even terminated that must be our child's choice rather than our own. St. Paul mentions this principle: (Rom 12:18) "If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all." We cannot control our children, but we can control ourselves and always keep the door open for relationship with their children. The story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) teaches us that.

With that said, we must always maintain fidelity to the truth and to our faith even in the face of potentially losing a relationship with our children. We must do all that we can to maintain the relationship as best we can.

In these sorts of situations my advice is to inform the adult child of the truth, but to do so only once. Repeatedly lecturing, or nagging, or even mentioning the issues will only alienate the child and result in nothing productive. If we repeatedly talk to our adult children about this it will be seen by them is trying to force them to change their mind. That usually leads only to entrenchment to their position. To explain to your child the issues one time is all that is needed. In doing that they will know the truth and our position. The rest is up to them. It is their choice. Not even God will force them to change their mind.

In talking with our adult children we have to be careful and diplomatic. After all, in one sense, it is none of our business and the child may actually say so. Thus, how do we approach this? I have been faced with something similar, though on a different topic, with my oldest child. I called her on the phone and told her that I knew what she was up to and that I was concerned. She immediately said that it was not my business. This was my approach:

Well, it is my business inasmuch as I am your father and I am concerned for you. But, you are correct that your life is your own and you make your own choices. I understand that and respect that. But I am concerned because the activities to which you are indulging I believe our destructive not only to you but also to your children. I just want you to know that I want to encourage you to make different choices. But I know that the choice is yours.

Surprisingly, in taking that approach what could have been a very volatile telephone conversation actually turned out okay. A couple of years later my daughter left the lifestyle she was leading and joined a church. She has even conducted speaking engagements to young people on how to avoid the mistakes she has made. I praise God for her transformation.

Now, there is no guarantee of a positive end. As I mentioned, God does not force anyone to do anything. The choices are always ours. The choice is always our child's, and there is really nothing we can do about it other than to let them know our position and what our concerns are (once, unless they bring it up), and leave the rest to God and lift them up in prayer.

Now to the specifics of your situation. When a child is an invalid marriage it can be a sticky-wicket to maintain any kind of positive relationship. Your son needs to know that you do not consider him married to this woman because God does not consider him married to this woman. You must remember, however, that he is validly married under state law. But, how do these facts manifest itself in your relationship? 

There are some things which are certain. For example, should your son and his "wife" come to your house for an overnight stay it would be within your rights and your duty to say that they may not sleep in the same bed. It is certain that you cannot celebrate their "wedding" anniversary or acknowledge it in any way. It is certain that your son's "marriage" cannot be directly acknowledged in any other way.

As to the question of having dinner with your son and his wife, that is a gray area for which you will have to decide according your conscience. I would suggest that for the sake of maintaining a relationship that you not automatically decide to never have dinner with them. The issue is not to directly endorse their marriage. I would suggest that having dinner is not directly endorsing their invalid marriage.

I'm not suggesting one thing or the other for this really has to be a decision that you make according your conscience. My point here is that I believe that you need to carefully consider all the options and to be rather technical, even hairsplitting, in favor of a relationship with your son. In doing that it is possible, I believe, to have dinner with them because it is not a direct support of their relationship. We need to remember that even Jesus had dinner with sinners. But, you must make this decision.

On the issue of the son of this woman, you must remember that it's not the child's fault that their parents are numbskulls. Therefore, I would suggest not being quite as hard-nosed when it comes to a relationship with this child. While your son's marriage may not be valid in the eyes of God it is valid in the eyes of the state. Therefore, your son is a stepfather to this child. That makes you a step-grandpa whether you like it or not. Should your son adopt this child then you'll be a grandpa without the "step" adjective. You will also be a full "grandpa" should there be any children between the two of them. Do not take this out on the children. Developing a relationship with this child, or any children that are a product of this marriage, is not an endorsement of their invalid marriage before God. Rather, it is an endorsement that all children at all times and under all circumstances are a blessing. Thus, I encourage you to not shun this child or to shun the appellation of grandpa. Again, we can look to Jesus who welcomed all children, even the children of sinners.

As a side note, I have seven grandchildren (two have died). All of my grandkids except one were born out of wedlock. Not only were my grandkids mostly born out of wedlock but my daughters had each of their chidlren with different fathers. Despite this I am still their grandpa (I know, it is a blood relatoinship, but still an irregular circumstance). The point is that it is not the kids fault that their mothers have a broken moral compass when it comes to relationships with men.

My daughter's know how I feel, they know my position, but we do not argue about it because they already know the facts. They are grown women all their 30s (oldest is 39 this year) and they will make their own choices. I pray for them.

This is a difficult situation and we will be praying for you and for your son (and his "state approved" wife).

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary