Dear Yvonne:

I am sorry to hear that you are burdened with such a immature and selfish man. He is acting willfully, selfishly, and as a little bratty child. He needs to grow up to be a man. Your husband is also tempting God, one of the worse sins on can commit, by essentially saying, "Lord, I am not going to change unless you do a miracle, I dare you." He needs a slap across the face and sent to his room without supper. It is a great burden to be married to a man whose maturity us stunted at around 13 years old. We will certainly pray for him that he will grow up. We will also pray for you that our Lord will give you supernatural graces for love, patience, and perseverance to pray for him and to offer up your suffering, in union with Christ on the Cross and in union with the pierced Immaculate Heart of Mary, for his healing.

As for "dirty talk" in the marriage bed, in the livingroom, on the street, or anywhere, St. Paul says:

(Col 3:8) "But now put you also all away: anger, indignation, malice, blasphemy, filthy speech out of your mouth."

(Eph 4:29) "Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it may impart grace to those who hear."

(Eph 5:4) "Let there be no filthiness, nor silly talk, nor levity, which are not fitting; but instead let there be thanksgiving."

It cannot be more clear. We are not to engage in filthy talk—ever. Unfortunately, most comedians, it seems, will be getting spanked by God on this one, and also the audiences who enjoy the filth.

Since this filthy talk is a sin, you are right and proper to not participate in it or to encourage him in it. That means, that if he cannot engage in the marital embrace without dirty talk, then he should be deprived of the marriage bed. I do not say this lightly, as the Church and St. Paul both speak of not depriving one another except for a time mutually agreed upon. But, the marital embrace is a holy act. It is to be approached as a Holy Act which forms a mutual self-giving in love. If there is no mutual self-giving, but rather selfishness, then the marital act ceases to be holy and cease to be love.

Your husband, according to your description, is not able to participate in a mutual self-giving as he is not able to give of himself. Immature selfishness disqualifies him from holiness in the marital embrace. He is also incapable of a mutual self-giving in love because he does not truly love you or himself. His willfulness and selfishness is a symptom of self-loathing and an incapacity to love. It doesn't have to always be that way. He can mature and get over himself, but he may need professional help to do that. If this is a result of a personality disorder, it will be more difficult to be healed of this behavior, but it is still possible with prayer, living the Christian life, self-discipline, and therapy.

As for chastity in marriage: There is a chastity in marriage that is beyond the issue of adultery or lusting after others. One cannot do just anything in the marriage bed just because they are married. Anything that is sin, is sin even if one is married. Any sexual practice that degrades the human person is not permitted. Thus, practices such as sado-masochism, bondage, domination, humiliation, and practices that are too disgusting to put in print are not permitted because they degrade the human person even if both parties agree to it.

The marital embrace is to be a mutual self-giving of each other in love. Anything at all that compromises that is wrong. This also means that a husband should not pressure his wife for sex when she does not want to. And, the wife is not to use sex as a tool of manipulation, or withholding for punishment or revenge of her husband. These sorts of behaviors are an abuse of the marital faculty and does violence to the virtue of charity and holy marriage.

When there is true chastity, as explained above, the marital embrance is holy and blessed.

Your husband needs to understand these things. He also needs to own and take responsibility for his dysfunctional and immature attitudes and behavior.

(1 Cor 13:11) "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways."

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary