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Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
Marital/ moral dilemma	Philip	Monday, April 22, 2013
Question: Hello I am trying to discern God's will for me in a perplexing scenario. I was married for 5 years (Catholic wedding) to a woman I had been cohabitating with when I discovered the Catholic faith after years searching in the spiritual/philosophical wilderness (agnosticism, Eastern philosophy, etc..) finally embracing the faith and thinking it was expected of me (very poor spiritual advice from my baptizing priest-not his fault, I know, I am ultimately responsible) to marry her. Well, it didn't last. I also unfortunately became addicted to porn and other immoral behaviours, and we ultimately split. We are now divorced. About a year into our separation, I foolishly, against my gut feeling, went on a date with a woman I met online. It was lust at first sight. I even had a very vivid dream where Mother Mary appeared to me, strongly warning me not to date her anymore. Again, I foolishly listened to other people, dated her, and lo, she got pregnant. I was admittedly very pleased with the news. We both were. I believed the right thing was to move in together, and be there to help raise the child. The next year was a whirlwind. of activity. Now that the baby is nearly two, I feel I really have to make a decision. I realize I do not want to marry (after an annulment of my previous marriage of course) her. Actually, I know for sure I do not want to marry her. She says she loves me, she is a good mother, but we have next to nothing in common. She also has very little interest in attending Mass, spiritual matters. I have sought out guidnance from three conservative priests I know-all of them told me it would be a bad idea tomarry solely for the sake of a child. That would be grounds for annulment. They have all said we must be celibate as well for the time being. One said it would be "hell" to marry her for these reasons. We both love our child very much. I am a good father to him, picking him up every day, playing with him, teaching him to pray before meals, and most importantly, taking him to Mass every Sunday. We have a wonderful rapport. I don't know if it is fair to her to stay under these pretenses. She asks me if i love her-I don't have the guts to tell her no, and that I think we should break up. Moral quandary.
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OMSM(r), CCL, LTh, DD, LNDC Dear Philip: Well, you sure have yourself in a pickle, a pickle of which you realize is of your own making, which is good that you realize that. But, there is no moral dilemma or quandary here. The correct decision is clear. 1) getting married to someone just for the kids is stupid and not advisable. I agree with the priests you consulted. 2) living in concubinage (living as husband and wife when not validly married) risks your soul to hell as you would be living a life-style of grave sin and thus barred from the Sacraments. 3) living together without marriage, even if you and she stay chaste (celibate means "not married," chaste means "no sex"), a chaste residential relationship, as-it-were, is a scandal because it appears to others that you are married when you are not, but more importantly, as it is with #2, the kids are seriously harmed by such an arrangement. Studies have shown that kids with parents who live together, but are not married, have the same statistical problems of delinquency, bad grades, problematic behavior, low self-esteem, etc. as kids who come from single-parent households. Thus, there is no advantage to unmarried couples living together for the sake of the kids. But, what secular studies do not examine is the spiritual damage done to the kids. To live in concubinage or a chaste residential relationship models sin to the children, models that marriage is a sham or is not important, and creates a household not fully protected by the Holy Spirit. Such situations seriously damage the child's soul and spirit. Thus, this is what you must do morally: 1) be a man and tell her that you do not love her and that the relationship is over. This is really not about you and your feelings. This is about honesty to this woman, instead of lying to her, and most importantly this is about your child who deserves to have parents who are not liars. 2) immediately stop having sex with this woman 3) at your earliest opportunity, stop living together 4) continue a close relationship with the child If you do not do these things then in addition to risking your own soul, you will be risking the health of the soul of your child, and that, in my opinion, is child abuse. The best thing you can do for your child is to develop and maintain a solid relationship with God and His Church, which means doing the moral and right thing. Anything less than that is failing as a father. We will be praying for you and the woman and your child. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below: Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum. Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

Marital/ moral dilemma

Philip

Monday, April 22, 2013

Question:

Hello
I am trying to discern God's will for me in a perplexing scenario.

I was married for 5 years (Catholic wedding) to a woman I had been cohabitating with when I discovered the Catholic faith after years searching in the spiritual/philosophical wilderness (agnosticism, Eastern philosophy, etc..) finally embracing the faith and thinking it was expected of me (very poor spiritual advice from my baptizing priest-not his fault, I know, I am ultimately responsible) to marry her. Well, it didn't last. I also unfortunately became addicted to porn and other immoral behaviours, and we ultimately split. We are now divorced. About a year into our separation, I foolishly, against my gut feeling, went on a date with a woman I met online.

It was lust at first sight.

I even had a very vivid dream where Mother Mary appeared to me, strongly warning me not to date her anymore.

Again, I foolishly listened to other people, dated her, and lo, she got pregnant.
I was admittedly very pleased with the news. We both were.

I believed the right thing was to move in together, and be there to help raise the child.

The next year was a whirlwind. of activity.

Now that the baby is nearly two, I feel I really have to make a decision.

I realize I do not want to marry (after an annulment of my previous marriage of course) her. Actually, I know for sure I do not want to marry her. She says she loves me, she is a good mother, but we have next to nothing in common. She also has very little interest in attending Mass, spiritual matters.

I have sought out guidnance from three conservative priests I know-all of them told me it would be a bad idea tomarry solely for the sake of a child. That would be grounds for annulment. They have all said we must be celibate as well for the time being.

One said it would be "hell" to marry her for these reasons.

We both love our child very much. I am a good father to him, picking him up every day, playing with him, teaching him to pray before meals, and most importantly, taking him to Mass every Sunday. We have a wonderful rapport.

I don't know if it is fair to her to stay under these pretenses. She asks me if i love her-I don't have the guts to tell her no, and that I think we should break up.
Moral quandary.

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OMSM(r), CCL, LTh, DD, LNDC

Dear Philip:

Well, you sure have yourself in a pickle, a pickle of which you realize is of your own making, which is good that you realize that. But, there is no moral dilemma or quandary here. The correct decision is clear.

1) getting married to someone just for the kids is stupid and not advisable. I agree with the priests you consulted.

2) living in concubinage (living as husband and wife when not validly married) risks your soul to hell as you would be living a life-style of grave sin and thus barred from the Sacraments.

3) living together without marriage, even if you and she stay chaste (celibate means "not married," chaste means "no sex"), a chaste residential relationship, as-it-were, is a scandal because it appears to others that you are married when you are not, but more importantly, as it is with #2, the kids are seriously harmed by such an arrangement.

Studies have shown that kids with parents who live together, but are not married, have the same statistical problems of delinquency, bad grades, problematic behavior, low self-esteem, etc. as kids who come from single-parent households. Thus, there is no advantage to unmarried couples living together for the sake of the kids. But, what secular studies do not examine is the spiritual damage done to the kids. To live in concubinage or a chaste residential relationship models sin to the children, models that marriage is a sham or is not important, and creates a household not fully protected by the Holy Spirit. Such situations seriously damage the child's soul and spirit.

Thus, this is what you must do morally:

1) be a man and tell her that you do not love her and that the relationship is over. This is really not about you and your feelings. This is about honesty to this woman, instead of lying to her, and most importantly this is about your child who deserves to have parents who are not liars.

2) immediately stop having sex with this woman

3) at your earliest opportunity, stop living together

4) continue a close relationship with the child

If you do not do these things then in addition to risking your own soul, you will be risking the health of the soul of your child, and that, in my opinion, is child abuse.

The best thing you can do for your child is to develop and maintain a solid relationship with God and His Church, which means doing the moral and right thing. Anything less than that is failing as a father.

We will be praying for you and the woman and your child.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below:
Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum.
Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum
Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum
Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum
Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum