Dear John:

I have to admit that I get very weary when I hear people say "what would Jesus do." That phrase, while sounding very innocent and perhaps even profound, comes from a context of the misnomer that Jesus is a 60s hippie flower child. It comes from the false notion that Jesus would never say anything harsh and never step on toes. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, Jesus was often harsh and he stepped on a lot of people toes. He even said that because of him families would be ripped apart. 

So let's take a look at what Jesus would do, because we know what he would do, because he says what he will do in the Bible:

(Matt 10:34-38)  "Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man's foes will be those of his own household.

He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.

God is love and love according to God rejoices in righteousness and truth, and not in error and sin: (1 Cor 13:6)  "[Love] does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right."

Jesus says, (John 14:6) "I am the way, and the truth, and the life..." and he says (John 8:32)  "You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."

While Jesus did have supper with sinners he never condoned their sin, or participated in sint, or in any way became an accomplice to their sin. He did not rejoice in their sin but called them to repentance and to sin no more.

That is what Jesus would do.

Unfortunately, many priests think that the "pastoral" thing to do is to advise their parishioners to not step on toes, or to advise them in a way that will not offend them or offend others, advise them to not rock the boat. But, this is not a pastoral approach taught by God.

Christ called his bishops to be shepherds. In turn, the priests are associate shepherds. Given the fact that Christ used this image we need to find out what shepherds do, that is, how do they care for their flock?

Well, I shepherd carries his staff. With that staff he gently guides his flock on the road that they should go. But, that is not the only thing he does with that staff. If the sheep strays from the road and refuses to return the shepherd will take that staff and knock the sheep over the head. If that discipline does not work and the sheep continues to disobey and go astray, ultimately the shepherd will break the legs of the sheep. Then, the shepherd will carry the sheep over his shoulders until the legs mend. By doing this, the sheep becomes bonded to the shepherd by the time the legs are healed. The sheep will not likely go astray again.

This is the image that Christ gave his priests. This is what is happening when you see those pictures of the supposedly gentle Jesus with the sheep around his shoulders.

What I have described here is what real shepherds do. This is the image that Christ gave his priests. The Apostles knew exactly what Jesus was talking about because they knew how shepherds guide their flocks. 

Jesus was not some namby-pamby flower child. Jesus is God, and God can do nothing other than love and to be Truth. This image of the shepherd is a description of the shepherd who loves his flock. Genuine love does not support error and sin. It is a distorted and evil notion that man has invented that love means never stepping on toes or doing the hard thing. God himself practices "tough love."

God says several times in the Bible, in both Old and New Testaments, the truth about Himself that is written in the book of Hebrews 12:6-10 ~

For the Lord disciplines him whom he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers to discipline us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time at their pleasure, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 

According these biblical scriptures, a parent cannot withhold discipline and say that they love their child. Tough love sometimes has to be administered. God says that if we do not chastise our children, then we treat them as illegitimate children. God forbid that we do that.

You son is about to commit a crime, a felony (grave sin). The Church actually does use the word "crime" to refer to grave sin. To violate the law is to commit a crime. Regardless of whether man's law considers what your son is about to do as legal, it is illegal in God's law and God's law trumps all of man's law.

Let me make an analogy that might help.  Let's say that your son is about to commit the crime of robbing a bank. Because you and your wife love your son will you condone that crime? Will you do more than that and actually drive the getaway car or otherwise help him in his crime or support him in his crime. If the answer is yes, then you as his parents could go to prison too because you would be accomplices.

The Catechsim is clear:

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:

- by participating directly and voluntarily in them;

- by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;

- by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;

- by protecting evil-doers.

There is absolutely no difference in this scenario of robbing a bank and a scenario of your son getting married illicitly, in violation of God's law, in committing a crime before God. Both scenarios violate God's law. Love requires that you and your wife do not attend the wedding. Love requires that your son knows that you disapprove of this wedding because he is doing it by committing a crime against God, by spitting in God's face. Love requires that you do this for the sake of his soul. He must realize that what he is about to do is so egregious that his own parents will not come to the wedding. This is not a trivial matter. The issue is dead serious. 

I understand a mother's grief. I understand that a mother wishes to always support her child. But as Jesus said, if we love our children more than we love Him then we are not worthy of Christ. And any genuine love will never rejoice in or support, or even seem to support, sin. 

St. Paul reminds us that we are not only to avoid sin. we are not only to refrain from being an accomplice to sin or to support sin in any way, but we are to avoid even the appearance of sin: (1 Thess 5:22)  "Abstain from all appearance of evil."

From all of this there can be only one conclusion concerning your situation, and that is, unfortunately, that you and your wife should not attend the wedding. This is the loving thing to do.

Thus, I must affirm and recommend the answer I gave in the original posting. I hope that perhaps I may have shed some light in this answer to help your wife understand the moral imperatives that this situation requires.

I do feel for her. My own children have done things against God that are far, far worse than what your son is about to do. This pains me a great deal, but I can not waiver in the truth. I have told my children that their souls are in danger while at the same time recognizing that they will make the choices they make and that I can do nothing about it. I still love my children but I will not encourage, support, or in any way allow my children to think that their sinful behavior is okay. They know my position on these matters, and they know what God's law requires. The rest is up to them. The rest is between them and God. I continue to pray that the eyes of their heart shall be enlightened to the truth, beauty, and purity that comes from loving God and following His will and His definitions of love and morality that are revealed in Sacred Scripture, Sacred Tradition, and taught by God's Prime Minister on earth, the Pope.

We will certainly continue to pray for your son, and for you and your wife.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary