Dear Teresa:

Sorry for the delay in responding. 

You should not be following my advice or anyone's advice with blind obedience. In your case, with a background of being a victim of sexual and physical abuse, I think it is especially important that you not involve yourself in practices that feed into that victimology.

You need to be obedience to Church teaching, and owe a level of obedience to your confessor in terms of doing your penance for certain, and considering his advice.

As for the idea of "domestic punishment", I find that to be totally out-of-line. To begin with, on issues that are sin, it is a matter between your confessor and yourself. Your only "punishment" is the penance that is assigned by your confessor when you go to confession.

In terms of the relationship with your husband, both of you need to communicate with each other any concerns or problems. You both need to apologize to one another for wrongs done to each other, and both you need to forgive each other. But, there is no punishment in this. It is the normal communication of loving one another.

In religious life there is a concept called the Chapter of Faults. This is usually done each Friday. The monks or nuns gather together and confess to the group the wrongs they have committed against the rule of their Order. They do not confess sins as that is for the confessional with a priest. 

I think it can be healthy for a married couples to sit down with each other once a week, once a month, or whatever frequency you think best, to talk about your relationship and how you can do better. Forgive each other for any faults. Talk with other about how to not repeat those things that have irritated, offended, or mistreated each other. But, again, there is no punishment in any of this. Rather, this is healthy communication between spouses in a mutual sharing of love and concern for your spouse, and a forgiving of each other for everything. 

This should be done in a context that includes prayer asking God to strengthened your marriage and to help each of you to be a more caring and loving spouse.

When you and your husband forgive each other for whatever, then put that behind you. It is gone and no longer exists.

When you sin and go to confession, when the Priest absolves you, that sin is gone, it no longer exists in the universe. You have been forgiven and cleansed of all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). That is God's promise and God keeps His promises; God does not lie.

Teresa, you do not need punishment. Discipline comes from the Greek meaning "to train." It really does not mean punishment. Through the Sacrament of Confession and the penance you receive, you are "trained" to avoid sin. When you and your spouse talk with each other about what bothers you, you are "trained" to be a better and more loving spouse.

If you feel a psychological "need" to be punished, which is not unusual with sexual and physical abuse victims, then I suggest seeking out a good and orthodox Catholic counselor to help you in this matter.

I certainly advise that you not feed into that psychological need. Thus, I cannot recommend any "domestic punishment" or self-punishment of any sort. Bring your sins to our Lord in the Sacrament of Confession, do the penance assigned, and move on with your life.

As far as the advice given to you by your spiritual director, I really cannot comment, as I do not know you and your circumstances as your spiritual director does. Thus, I cannot know why he has advised you has he has. If you have questions about that advice, ask him and talk about why he advised you has he did.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary