Dear Julie:

I am sorry to hear about this. I do know exactly what you feel for I have much of the same problem with my three biological daughters. I have five live grandchildren (two died) and I have seen only one of them when she was two months old. That granddaughter is now seventeen years old. My girls never send me pictures of my grandkids.

I have rarely received any cards or letters or phone calls with my girls. The oldest has said outright that she wants nothing to do with me. She is 37 now.

I have done back and forth as to whether or not to at least send birthday cards even if they never respond. In the end, I think it is good for me to send birthday cards even if they never respond.

If, however, if a child says they want no further contact, then that should be respected. We cannot force ourselves on our children. Even God does not force himself upon us.

Indeed, we have a story in the Bible that relates to this — the Prodigal Son.

The son took his inheritance and left the father. At this time the father considered his son dead. The father did not pursue his son. He allowed his son to do what he wanted even if that was to reject his father.

But, then the son had enough and came back home, the father jumped with joy at seeing his son way down the road. The father did not wait for his son to come through the gates, but ran out to meet his son on the road.

Thus, we find in this story, that the father respected his son's choice, even the choice of "divorcing" his father.

I cannot make the decision for you. This will be up to your conscience. I would advise trying to be as accepting as possible, praying always, and, if it is possible, to connect with your child at least with birthday cards. If your daughter is upset by even that little contact, then respect her wishes and do not send cards any longer.

There is one thing that you said that I must correct. You need to forgive your daughter regardless of whether or not she ever asks for it. It flatly does not matter if she ever reaches out with an olive branch, even if she hates you until the day you die, even if she never talks to you again, it does not matter. You are required by God to forgive her anyway. No matter what she does, forgive her.

Now forgiveness does not mean that you allow her to abuse her. We have a pamphlet to help people understand the dynamics of forgiveness. I recommend it to you: Dealing with Bitterness and Unforgiveness

Your husband is correct in that you ought not to hold bitterness, but he is not correct that to be a Christian one must stay in contact with your daughter. A Christian does not disrespect others. If someone, like the Prodigal Son, wish to leave the society of his parents, that is his choice and the parents should not intrude upon their child or attempt to force their child to reconcile. 

The bottomline is that there is an argument in favor of sending your daughter birthday cards and the like. There is also an argument in favor of having no contact until the daughter reaches out. 

I guess the deciding factor is whether or not the child has said, "Don't contact me again." Then it is certain what the parent must do.

So I guess I am saying is that perhaps you can send birthday cards and holiday cards and leave it at that until such time your daughter decides to reconcile. I would not put a letter in those cards, just sign them.

If she rebuffs the cards, then I would stop sending them.

We will be praying for you, your husband, and your daughter.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary