Dear Arlene:

No, this was not an affair, but it was a crossing of boundaries that should not have been done.  While this did not develop into an affair, it was not a good friendship either. It was a dangerous friendship. You did exactly the correct thing by moving to another parish.

Boundaries need to always be respected. Unfortunately, this priest was careless about allowing you within those boundaries. Once you began to have improper feelings toward him, he began to back off (get shy). Perhaps he will learn by this.

All of us need to be circumspect around the opposite sex. Our culture has become sexually perverted and all propriety is out the window and the near occasion of sin is always near. Women wear clothing in which they are half naked as par for the course (even in Church), relationships between men and women are nearly always flirtatious, and the proper boundaries are never respected or practiced. This is a recipe for sin.

When it comes to priests and religious, however, this circumspection must be more strict at all cost. These boundaries need to be respected both by the priest or religious and by the man or woman whom is interacting with that consecrated person.

I remember once where I was in the grocery store in full habit. Two nuns came into the store. They were young and probably novices. When our paths crossed in an aisle I acknowledge them and said, "hi, sisters." They did not return my greeting.

The reason they did not return my greeting is not because they were being rude, it was because they were told by their mother superior to avoid contact with men. I knew this so I was not offended.

A story is told about a very old priest in his 90s. The housekeeper came into his room one day to check on him as he was ill. When she saw the priest in his bed, she thought he was dead. So she bent over and placed her cheek right above his mouth to see if he was breathing. At that moment the priest woke up, and saw this woman bending over him, and screamed, "Get thee hence woman, the fire still burns!" He died a few minutes later.

This old priest was very wise. Even though he was 90 years old and on his deathbed he still maintained circumspection and boundaries between himself and women. We all should do the same.

Even for laity who are single there needs to be a certain respect for boundaries, but for those who are not available because they are courting, are married, are priests or religious, there must be a definitive boundary that is not crossed and must be enforced.

Unfortunately, this priest-friend of yours apparently did not understand this. There is absolutely no way he should have allowed you to kiss him, even if it was on the cheek, nor should he have hugged you. Because he allowed and even encouraged those boundaries to be crossed, it set up the situation for misunderstanding that did not have to happen.

I know that I am suggesting these boundaries be strictly followed. Many people tell me to lighten up. I would rather be strict on this than fall into sin that could jeopardize my soul and the soul of the other person.

Billy Graham, the famous Baptist evangelist, was once asked why there was never any hint of sexual scandal in his ministry. He said that the reason for that is that he made it a policy that he would never at any time be alone with the woman without his wife also in the room. A very wise man.

I have a similar policy. Women are not allowed at my hermitage unless they are medical personnel or family. I never counsel with a woman face-to-face unless her husband or some friend or family member is present. On phone counseling, my clients must agree to have the sessions tape-recorded. If they do not give permission then I do not counsel with them.

This strict circumspection and protection of boundaries is far more needed today than it was the past. In the past there was much more respect and society taught that there are to be boundaries. Such respect no longer exists in our society today.

As for your experience, Jesus tells us that lusting after a person is to commit sin in our heart. If you feel that was the case then you need to confess it. I would suggest that you talk about this with your confessor to see if he thinks any sin was committed. Of course, in talking to your confessor, you do not have to mention the parish or the priest's name.

Frankly, I think the primary problem was with the priest and not you. He should have never allowed you inside those boundaries. He should have known better. But in this age many priests and religious seem to think they are just one of the guys and thus they do not have to be as strict in boundaries. No, they are not just one of the guys. There is a proper distance that must be maintained between priests/religious and the laity. All this 1960s mumbo-jumbo, touchy-feely, huggy-dovey, kumbaya attitude must never the behavior of a priest or religious.

Now by this I do not mean to suggest that priests or religious cannot express and give gestures of compassion when it is appropriate. I am suggesting, rather, proper circumspection of the situation.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary