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Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
Problems with Family Members and Aunt	Crystal	Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Question: Dear Brother, I am very cordial to my family members, but do not feel comfortable around them as they are very negative and judgmental. I had one cousin betray me a few years ago, two others who tease and make fun of people and another who constantly gossips about me and tries to put me down. They know that I live a Christian lifestyle and portray good character and I am very kind to others, but because of this, they find me to be strange, weak and boring. My favorite cousin was a devout Catholic and passed away 3 years ago. He was very charitable, kind to others and many people loved him. However, my family members found fault with him too. As for one particular aunt, I feel that she doesn't like me as there is always tension between us. My aunt has gossiped about me to other people, has insulted me and has been very disrepectful when it comes to my feelings. My Aunt doesn't have any children and it appears she treats me different oppose to my cousins, as there are things they can do that I can't. For example, several years ago one of my cousin's was dating a woman and wanted to bring her home for the holidays. He and this young lady stayed at my aunt's home, however my aunt nor any of my other family members had met my cousin's girlfriend prior to this. The following year, I had asked my aunt could I bring a friend with me for Thanksgiving dinner and she said "No" because she did not know my friend, but she also did not know my cousin's girlfriend and allowed her to stay in her home. My aunt also has a problem with me dating interracially and has commented on it numerous times. I find this puzzling as my family is multiethnic and my aunt is a bi-racial person herself. However other family members have dated people of other ethnicities and cultures that my aunt has accepted and embraced. My aunt seems to be somewhat jealous of me as I'm an Artist and Poet and whenever someone compliments me on my work; I notice that she has a annoyed look on her face. However, my cousins' are equally creative and she supports them wholeheartedly with their endeavors, but has told others that I won't succeed. I have confronted her about her insults and how it affects me which she has contradicted herself or avoids the issue, as I don't know what I have done to make her so indifferent toward me. As I am not seeking approval from my Aunt and I love her, but I just want her to respect me as a human being and if she does have a problem with me; I would prefer that she be honest and let me know what it is. I spoke with my Mother about this situation and feel that I no longer want to interact with my family members because I feel uncomfortable being around them. I will always love and pray for them, but I cannot tolerate their personalities and behaviors anymore. Do you think it is wrong for me for feeling this way, as all I want is to live peacefully amongst others. Can you please advise? God Bless, Crystal
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OMSM(r) Dear Crystal: Sometimes it is best to walk away even from family members. We are not obligated to tolerate continued abuse from family members or anyone else. If family members abuse us, or if family members through their behavior of negativity, gossip, and the like damage our peace in Christ, then it may be time to walk away. You can express your concerns to family members, but if they will not respect you there is nothing you can do directly. Commit them to prayer and do not visit for a while. I have taken "time-outs" from my family for a few months. There has also been family members who were not willing to be respectful, but constantly abuse and put-down. Those individuals I confronted and gave them an opportunity to apologize for their behavior and promises not to do it again, or the consequences would be my distancing myself from them. The result? Well, it was necessary to distance myself. It is unfortunate, but sometimes this is not only necessary, but I suggest, is a duty. If we "put-up" with the abusive and dysfunctional behavior we encourage the behavior, we enable their behavior. We do them no favors when we do not insist on the proper consequences. Thus, to distant oneself from the abusive family members sends a message that their behavior is so egregious that it threatens the relationship. Hopefully, this will show the them that their behavior needs to change. If the behavior does not change, that is on them, it is their decision, but the consequences remain -- your absence from their lives. Before doing anything be sure to spend some time in prayer. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below: Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum. Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

Problems with Family Members and Aunt

Crystal

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Question:

Dear Brother,

I am very cordial to my family members, but do not feel comfortable around them as they are very negative and judgmental.

I had one cousin betray me a few years ago, two others who tease and make fun of people and another who constantly gossips about me and tries to put me down.

They know that I live a Christian lifestyle and portray good character and I am very kind to others, but because of this, they find me to be strange, weak and boring.

My favorite cousin was a devout Catholic and passed away 3 years ago. He was very charitable, kind to others and many people loved him. However, my family members found fault with him too.

As for one particular aunt, I feel that she doesn't like me as there is always tension between us. My aunt has gossiped about me to other people, has insulted me and has been very disrepectful when it comes to my feelings.

My Aunt doesn't have any children and it appears she treats me different oppose to my cousins, as there are things they can do that I can't. For example, several years ago one of my cousin's was dating a woman and wanted to bring her home for the holidays. He and this young lady stayed at my aunt's home, however my aunt nor any of my other family members had met my cousin's girlfriend prior to this. The following year, I had asked my aunt could I bring a friend with me for Thanksgiving dinner and she said "No" because she did not know my friend, but she also did not know my cousin's girlfriend and allowed her to stay in her home.

My aunt also has a problem with me dating interracially and has commented on it numerous times. I find this puzzling as my family is multiethnic and my aunt is a bi-racial person herself. However other family members have dated people of other ethnicities and cultures that my aunt has accepted and embraced.

My aunt seems to be somewhat jealous of me as I'm an Artist and Poet and whenever someone compliments me on my work; I notice that she has a annoyed look on her face. However, my cousins' are equally creative and she supports them wholeheartedly with their endeavors, but has told others that I won't succeed.

I have confronted her about her insults and how it affects me which she has contradicted herself or avoids the issue, as I don't know what I have done to make her so indifferent toward me. As I am not seeking approval from my Aunt and I love her, but I just want her to respect me as a human being and if she does have a problem with me; I would prefer that she be honest and let me know what it is.

I spoke with my Mother about this situation and feel that I no longer want to interact with my family members because I feel uncomfortable being around them. I will always love and pray for them, but I cannot tolerate their personalities and behaviors anymore.

Do you think it is wrong for me for feeling this way, as all I want is to live peacefully amongst others.

Can you please advise?

God Bless,
Crystal

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OMSM(r)

Dear Crystal:

Sometimes it is best to walk away even from family members. We are not obligated to tolerate continued abuse from family members or anyone else.

If family members abuse us, or if family members through their behavior of negativity, gossip, and the like damage our peace in Christ, then it may be time to walk away.

You can express your concerns to family members, but if they will not respect you there is nothing you can do directly. Commit them to prayer and do not visit for a while.

I have taken "time-outs" from my family for a few months. There has also been family members who were not willing to be respectful, but constantly abuse and put-down. Those individuals I confronted and gave them an opportunity to apologize for their behavior and promises not to do it again, or the consequences would be my distancing myself from them. The result? Well, it was necessary to distance myself.

It is unfortunate, but sometimes this is not only necessary, but I suggest, is a duty. If we "put-up" with the abusive and dysfunctional behavior we encourage the behavior, we enable their behavior. We do them no favors when we do not insist on the proper consequences.

Thus, to distant oneself from the abusive family members sends a message that their behavior is so egregious that it threatens the relationship. Hopefully, this will show the them that their behavior needs to change. If the behavior does not change, that is on them, it is their decision, but the consequences remain -- your absence from their lives.

Before doing anything be sure to spend some time in prayer.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below:
Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum.
Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum
Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum
Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum
Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum