Dear Asia:

You are not alone with these sorts of stresses. There are countless millions of people that are stressed out because of dysfunctional families and friends. The first thing that you and all those other people need to realize is that you are not responsible for whether or not your loved ones except your good advice. You have to let your loved ones make their own mistakes, because are going to do it anyway. If you offer some advice or help someone and they do not express gratefulness or refuse to follow your advice you must let it go. Frankly, what these loved ones do or don't do is actually none of your business. It is their lives, it is their decision, no matter how painful it may be to sit by and watch your loved ones make bad mistakes.

It is also important that you do not enable their dysfunctional behaviors. You must learn to set boundaries and to enforce those boundaries even if it means that you will not talk to your loved ones again. This is called tough love. You do not do anyone any favors by enabling their dysfunctional behaviors.

This means that if your mother loves your cousin she will say no. She need not feel guilty, there's nothing to feel guilty about. Love does not indulge dysfunctional behavior.

As for people who are passive-aggressive, there is almost nothing in this world that is more frustrating than dealing with a passive-aggressive person. Passive-aggressive people never think they've done anything wrong as they always find some justification for their behavior. This is one reason why a passive-aggressive personality disorder is not curable — because the passive-aggressive person never admits that they're doing anything wrong.

I have worked in three mental institutions working with people with psychotic mental disorders. We required of our patients to be accountable for their actions, we set boundaries to which they must adhere, and when they breached those boundaries they suffered the consequences. The point is that even with people that have biochemical problems in the brain to which they are not fully responsible we still place boundaries on their behavior and enforced those boundaries. You must do the same with the dysfunctional behavior of your loved ones friends.

I realize this is a hard thing to do. But if you love them this is what you must do. Now, like little children your loved ones may call you names, say you're ungrateful, say that you don't love them anymore, say they do not want to see your again, and a whole host of tantrums. You must persevere through all that because you know that this bitter medicine of tough love is what they need.

The other aspect of this is that your love for them does not give them permission to abuse you. You should not allow them to abuse you. That is one of the boundaries you need to make.

In the most extreme circumstances it may be required to distance oneself from those family and friends who are so dysfunctional. I've had to do that myself with some of my family. With one family member I finally confronted about her abusiveness toward me that had been going on for more than thirty 30 years. I finally said enough is enough. I told the family member that if she is to continue with this abusive behavior that I would no longer talk to her. When our conversation was over and she began to leave I asked her, "What is your decision?" She said, "I don't know." I haven't talked to her since.

What I did was to administer tough love. I set some boundaries which she did not wish to accept. I told her what the consequences would be if she did not accept these boundaries and respect for me. Since she is not willing to apologize and more importantly to respect me by respecting these boundaries, it is important for me to enforce those boundaries by, in a sense, excommunicating her from my life. Now if someday in the future she is willing to accept those boundaries I will welcome her back with open arms.

This "tough love" approach is actually taught in the Bible. When a person refuses to recant a serious sin, and refuses all attempts for reconciliation, the person may be excommunicated from the Church. Excommunication is not a form of anger or revenge. Excommunication is actually an act of love. When the Church excommunicates someone it is informing the person that their behavior is so egregious and their lack of repentance so profound that the Church has no choice but to take the extraordinary step of removing that person from communion with the Church (cf. 1 Cor 5:1-3; Mt 18:15-18).

Of course, the Church will receive back into communion this person with loving arms  upon his repentance and desire for reconciliation.

It is also so with our personal relationships.

Studies have shown that as much as 70% of all the illnesses reported in this country are a result, in part or in whole, to stress. You need to protect your health, your mental health, and your spiritual health. If the only way to do that is to exercise tough love then that's exactly what you need to do.

Remember, you do not do your loved ones any favors by enabling their dysfunctional behavior. If you do that then you are, in essence, an accomplice to their behavior.

I know that this is very difficult, but it is in the best interest of your loved ones and of yourself to set boundaries and if those boundaries are breached to enforce them even if that means distancing yourself from your loved ones. One reason to do this is that by taking such an extraordinary step will hopefully show them how improper their behavior is. Hopefully, this will wake them up and they will realize they need to make some changes.

We will certainly be in prayer for you and for your family and for this whole situation.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary