Dear Sally:

I am so sorry that you are having these problems in your marriage. In these sorts of situations it is hard to give advice without hearing from both parties. So what I am about to say is based solely on what you are telling me.

From your description of your husband he is a very selfish person. He does not know how to love. He is manipulative and controlling to the point of even using the faith to control you.

I know exactly what a person like this is like because I use to be this way myself when I was married more than thirty years ago.  While my wife certainly contributed to the downfall of our marriage and eventual divorce in 1979, I was the one who truly fueled the problems and pushed the marriage to failure. We were married from 1973-1979 and had three girls.

I, too, had this stupid idea of the "man of the house" and the wife as the virtual slave. I, too, used the faith (we were Baptists) against my wife to keep her in line and to justify my dysfunctional actions toward her.

There is nothing in the Christian faith to justify how he is acting. The husband has the greater responsibility in the marriage as he is to love his wife in the same way as Christ loves the Church. That is a mighty task.

Men like myself back when I was married, and like your husband, focus on the biblical passage:

(Ephesians 5:22-24)  Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.

But, these men seem to conveniently ignore, in their selfishness, the whole passage. In the verse immediately previous to the one quoted above, verse 21, St. Paul stays, "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ."

Husband and wives are to be subject to one another. It is not a one-way street.

Then St. Paul gives the big whammy to husbands, giving the husband the greater responsibility (some might think a burden):

(Eph 5:25-29)  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

The husbands are the priests of the home and should act like priest/pastors, not like selfish dictators. He is to love his wife in the same manner as Christ loves the Church and gave His life up for her. The husband is to sacrifice himself for his wife.

Marriage is about a mutual self-giving. Your husband, and me too back when, only takes, he does not give. Marriage is about love. Love is defined in the Bible, not as an emotion, but as an action. Love is not selfish. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a teaches us:

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;  it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends...

I truly feel for you because I know what my wife went through with me being a horse's patute and treating her badly and in a unchristian way. I failed my wife and I failed Christ. Your husband is also failing his wife and Christ by this disordered behavior and dysfunctional personality.

What is needed is that you and your husband need to receive marriage counseling. There needs to be an attempt to save this marriage. But, what if you husband refuses marriage counseling, or even if he does, but will not change?

Well, what you are going through is emotional and religious abuse. If your husband will not start acting like a real man and a loving husband, then I would recommend leaving him. I would give him an ultimatum that if he does not try to change, does not come to marriage counseling, that you will leave him. Even if he tries, if he does not change, then you may need to leave him.

Marriage does not mean that we must be subjected to abuse. Your husband is abusing you. We all have a right, under God, to protect ourselves from the abuse of others. In addition, if you "just take it" you will be enabling his abusive personality. That does him no favors, in fact, it encourages him to remain abusive. He needs to understand and to be made to realize there are consequences to his actions. Those consequences include the loss of his marriage.

What this means is that if you do nothing, then you are, in essence, giving him permission to abuse you.

The most loving thing you can do for him is tough love, giving him an ultimatum to get professional help to change his abusive ways or you will leave.

I know this is tough advice, but unless you want to be in a loveless and abusive marriage  the rest of your life, and raise dysfunctional kids, which is what will happen in this situation, I believe my advice is what you must do.

This advice comes from my professional experience as a counselor and also from my personal experience as a former abusive husband. If my wife had given me this ultimatum and followed through with it maybe our marriage would have ended earlier and we both would have avoided a lot of pain on each other and on our kids. Or, maybe the ultimatum would have knocked some sense into me to commit to getting the help I (and we) needed, and maybe our marriage would have succeeded.

You are already starting to make excuses for him. Women tend to do that a lot and as a result stay in abusive marriages.  Achillea, there are no excuses for this behavior of your husband, and he will not change unless confronted with the truth and the consequences. He might not change even after that.

Do not make excuses for him. Rather, call him to account for his abusive behavior.

One thing is for sure. If we enable other people's abusive and dysfunctional behavior, we are giving them permission to be abusive. Then we have only ourselves to blame.

We will be praying for you and your husband.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary