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Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
Disturbed by husband's behavior	Elizabeth	Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Question: Dear Brother Ignatius: My husband and I do not get along at all. He says that I am supposed to do as he says because he is the man of the house, has the .... and he says that he picked me. He acts arrogant half the time with his behavior. He has dyslexia, gout and diabetes. He is not bothering with the diabetes because he is in denial for years now. He won't let me test his blood surgar, and says his swolen feet and ankles are caused by gout. No one can tell him otherwise. I have threatened to leave him for various reasons. He is a hoarder, he talks constantly so much so that I can't be with him when we go to the store, out of embarrassment. The house is small and he has computer paraphenalia occupying our small front room. His bedroom is piled with boxes of toys he purchased at yard sales, hoping ten years or more ago to sell. Although he isn't well, when I threaten to leave him, he says he will say that I am leaving him in dire straits with the court, if it actually comes to that, and has told me that my older son who supposedly has several tapes of me yelling and screaming at him years ago, will provide these tapes in court to make my husband appear the victim. This son is going on 40 and is a level one sex offender for something he did with my younger son years ago. He seems to get chummy with his father whenever there is a rift between me and my husband. My husband has some very odd behavior. He is scrupulous about some things, and totally unaware of other issues that should be taken into consideration. We've been to counseling several times, and every time they sided with me not the problem, he didn't want to continue, saying the woman counselor didn't like men, or if a man or even a priest, they were wrong. My question to you is this: Is it a sin for me to actually move out and file for a divorce for financial protection from his punishing me and charging up on expenses, as I can see him doing that? He tells me that whenever I threaten to leave him, that I'm a 'runner,' like I'm weak. He also says that I will have to answer to God if I leave him in his condition. I don't like his behavior, but when he acts normal at times, I can actually enjoy being around him. I am very confused by my conflicting emotions. Also, he has had experiences in the past with being pinned down by satan, he thinks, so he couldn't move, as well as seeing shadows in the corner of the bedroom. I have so much anger toward his inconsiderate and disruptive behavior, his demanding and bullying tactics to get what he wants. I don't know how much I'm supposed to tolerate as a wife. I know St. Rita of Casia's story, but I just don't think I can be as strong as her. Can you give me any suggestions or advice? Thank you so much. Elizabeth
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OMSM(r) Dear Elizabeth: Forgive me for the delay in answering your question. I am sorry to hear about these troubles. There are times when a separation becomes prudent. For example, if a spouse is abusive, physically or mentally, one may need to separate to protect one's own mental health and to protect one's own peace in Christ. As to exactly where the lines are drawn in determining how much you should tolerate, I cannot answer that. There is no formula. This is something you will have to decide. To make that decision you need to do a lot of praying. You should also talk this over with your Confessor. In addition to that, talking to friends for advice and perhaps talking with a Catholic counselor (who is loyal and obedient to the Church) can help you in making this decision. If you choose to separate, that does not automatically mean a divorce. But, the Church does allow divorce for the reasons of protecting your rights, as long you realize that in the eyes of God you are still married. Only an annulment can affirm status of single. From your description is sounds like your husband has mental health issues. Nevertheless, he should not be allowed to mentally abuse and bully you. It does no one any favors to enable dysfunctional behavior--to let people get by with their destructive behavior. If your husband sees that his behavior is so egregious that you leave him, it is possible he will come to his senses and seek the counseling he needs to overcome his dysfunctional behavior. You should not, however, take him back too quickly. It is prudent to see if he follows through on counseling and productively demonstrates changes over a period of time before any reconciliation. If reconciliation is not possible, or if it is needed for the protection of rights, divorce can be allowed. I think the Bishop has to approve this. We will be in prayer for you and your husband. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below: Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum. Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

Disturbed by husband's behavior

Elizabeth

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Question:

Dear Brother Ignatius:
My husband and I do not get along at all. He says that I am supposed to do as he says because he is the man of the house, has the .... and he says that he picked me. He acts arrogant half the time with his behavior.

He has dyslexia, gout and diabetes. He is not bothering with the diabetes because he is in denial for years now. He won't let me test his blood surgar, and says his swolen feet and ankles are caused by gout. No one can tell him otherwise.

I have threatened to leave him for various reasons. He is a hoarder, he talks constantly so much so that I can't be with him when we go to the store, out of embarrassment. The house is small and he has computer paraphenalia occupying our small front room. His bedroom is piled with boxes of toys he purchased at yard sales, hoping ten years or more ago to sell.

Although he isn't well, when I threaten to leave him, he says he will say that I am leaving him in dire straits with the court, if it actually comes to that, and has told me that my older son who supposedly has several tapes of me yelling and screaming at him years ago, will provide these tapes in court to make my husband appear the victim. This son is going on 40 and is a level one sex offender for something he did with my younger son years ago. He seems to get chummy with his father whenever there is a rift between me and my husband.

My husband has some very odd behavior. He is scrupulous about some things, and totally unaware of other issues that should be taken into consideration. We've been to counseling several times, and every time they sided with me not the problem, he didn't want to continue, saying the woman counselor didn't like men, or if a man or even a priest, they were wrong.

My question to you is this: Is it a sin for me to actually move out and file for a divorce for financial protection from his punishing me and charging up on expenses, as I can see him doing that?

He tells me that whenever I threaten to leave him, that I'm a 'runner,' like I'm weak. He also says that I will have to answer to God if I leave him in his condition.

I don't like his behavior, but when he acts normal at times, I can actually enjoy being around him.

I am very confused by my conflicting emotions.

Also, he has had experiences in the past with being pinned down by satan, he thinks, so he couldn't move, as well as seeing shadows in the corner of the bedroom.

I have so much anger toward his inconsiderate and disruptive behavior, his demanding and bullying tactics to get what he wants. I don't know how much I'm supposed to tolerate as a wife. I know St. Rita of Casia's story, but I just don't think I can be as strong as her. Can you give me any suggestions or advice?

Thank you so much.
Elizabeth

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OMSM(r)

Dear Elizabeth:

Forgive me for the delay in answering your question.

I am sorry to hear about these troubles. There are times when a separation becomes prudent. For example, if a spouse is abusive, physically or mentally, one may need to separate to protect one's own mental health and to protect one's own peace in Christ.

As to exactly where the lines are drawn in determining how much you should tolerate, I cannot answer that. There is no formula. This is something you will have to decide. To make that decision you need to do a lot of praying. You should also talk this over with your Confessor. In addition to that, talking to friends for advice and perhaps talking with a Catholic counselor (who is loyal and obedient to the Church) can help you in making this decision.

If you choose to separate, that does not automatically mean a divorce. But, the Church does allow divorce for the reasons of protecting your rights, as long you realize that in the eyes of God you are still married. Only an annulment can affirm status of single.

From your description is sounds like your husband has mental health issues. Nevertheless, he should not be allowed to mentally abuse and bully you. It does no one any favors to enable dysfunctional behavior--to let people get by with their destructive behavior. If your husband sees that his behavior is so egregious that you leave him, it is possible he will come to his senses and seek the counseling he needs to overcome his dysfunctional behavior. You should not, however, take him back too quickly. It is prudent to see if he follows through on counseling and productively demonstrates changes over a period of time before any reconciliation.

If reconciliation is not possible, or if it is needed for the protection of rights, divorce can be allowed. I think the Bishop has to approve this.

We will be in prayer for you and your husband.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below:
Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum.
Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum
Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum
Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum
Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum