Dear Suzanne:

From your description there is no way that you should marry this man. His spiritual and psychological condition, as you describe it, makes him not qualified for marriage.

I always tell couples who want to get married to look at each other and think of the worse attributes for each other. Then I tell them to ask themselves, "am I willing to live with that negative attribute for the rest of my life." Women, especially, tend to have delusions that their man will change after marriage. While possible, it is extremely rare for one to change their basic personality. If you marry this guy, you will be setting yourself up for disaster.

You say that this man is "lifeless" and you feel like you are becoming the same way. Well that is a BIG clue that this man is not for you. Do you want him to drag you down, and drag your baby down, to his lifeless life? Do you really want to live that way? Do you want to expose your baby to that? Well, his personality is not likely to change. You have the clues staring your in the face like a neon sign that tell you that this man is not qualified to be your husband.

You have a responsibility to build a loving Catholic home where you and your husband are devout Catholics teaching your children to live as good Catholics. How is this possible with this man?

But you are only 20. I am sorry if this offends you but a 20 year old does not even have a fully developed brain. Brain development is generally not complete until around 21. The last part of the brain to develop is the part responsible for wisdom. No one your age should be getting married. It takes maturity and wisdom to have a successful and loving marriage.

I was married when I was 17 years old. We had our first child when I was 20. My marriage was a disaster from the get-go. The result of our immaturity caused serious damage to our children (we had three girls). The effects of our immaturity and mistakes are still reverberating and effecting our children who are now 35, 33, and 31. Our mistakes effect not only our children, but the six grandchildren.

You need to understand that our mistakes reverberate to our children, our children's children, and even on to more generations. Thus, while we all make mistakes, there are no perfect parents, we have a responsibility to create a family that is as loving, Godly, and healthy as we can. You already know that is not possible with this man.

You need to leave this man. Do not get married until you are older and you find a man who is a good, loyal, and devout Catholic so that you can build a healthy Catholic home and family.

This may not be what you want to hear, but this is the best advice I can give. This advice is not only based upon my own experience, but on counseling many people who have been in situations like yours. My best friend is a priest. We have talked about this sort of thing. His advice to couples in situations like yours is the same as mine.

Do not marry this guy. Terminate the relationship. If you are living with him, move out on your own as soon as possible. Go to confession to confess your fornication and whatever else, get back on tract with God, live a good Catholic life -- not only for yourself, but especially for your baby. Your baby's spiritual future is YOUR responsibility and will be dependent upon what you do with this situation today.

We will pray for you and for your baby.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary