Dear Maria:

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Such things are always very difficult. We, of course, must forgive those who hurt us. The Our Father says, "forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us." We cannot be forgiven if we do not forgive others.

In addition, if we do not forgive we do not let go of the hurt, and do not let go of the person. In a sense the person still hurts us, even if they are dead, because we will not forgive them.

One of the greatest difficulties in forgiving is that most people do not know what forgiveness means. For example, in your question, forgiveness does not mean going back to the person. It does not mean that the emotional hurts go away right away. It does not even mean that we have to like the person.

We can forgive someone and avoid ever seeing them again, even walk to the other side of the street if we see them coming down the sidewalk toward us and still forgive them.

Think of a woman who is raped. She must forgive the rapist, but that does not require she invite him to dinner. She can, and should, avoid him should she see him on the street. One can do all that and still forgive the person.

Forgiveness is a decision of will, not an emotion, and not always a reconciliation. Forgiveness is about "letting go", it is about getting yourself off the hook and getting on with your life. Forgiveness actually has more to do with yourself than the abuser.

In our counseling we have a packet dealing with forgiveness and what it means. I would encourage you to read it:

Dealing with Bitterness and Unforgiveness (pdf)

As for what to do when the person is continue to hurt you? You may have to do what you have to do to get them to stop. If they are doing something that is criminal, call the police. If the problem is domestic violence get to a shelter and call the police. If the problem is verbal abuse or some other sort of non-criminal and non-violent abuse, then tell the person that you will not allow them to continue this behavior and they are leave your house, or never call you again, or never speak to you again until they can come to respect you and stop abusing you. Even if the abuser is a family member, a little "tough love" may be needed.

You do not to anyone any favors by indulging their dysfunctional and abusive behavior. In fact, doing so only gives them permission to continue their behavior.

You need to say enough, no more, even if that means no more contact with that family member.

I just recently had this problem myself with a family member that had been verbally abusive to me for thirty years. I finally had enough and I told her that she will stop this behavior or I will never speak to her again, or even be in the same room again. That was a few weeks ago and I haven't heard from her since. That is sad, but that is her choice if she does not want to take responsibility for her behavior and start acting properly.

We will be praying for you.

Bro. Ignatius Mary