Ask a Question - or - Return to the Faith and Spirituality Forum Index

Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
Must I Accept Wife Back?	Richard	Sunday, January 3, 2010
Question: I married in 1989 in the Church. By about the time our 3rd child was born in 1995 my wife wanted nothing more to do with me. In 1999 she got a civil divorce. She got our kids and home. I feared separation from my kids most. But soon my wife married her boss. This helped thought. So she could have time with him, I got our kids often. And he bought them a new home so I got our home back. I was in my mid-40s, healthy and fit. So knowing my wife would not return, I considered relationships, an annulment, and remarriage. But I never did any of it. I was too busy working, caring for the kids, seeing to their religious life. And I was financially strapped paying child support and for the house. In 2007 my 2 sons came to live with me and in 2008 my daughter moved in too. Husband #2 was unfaithful so my wife recently divorced him and got a new home near our home from the divorce. But she is being treated for cancer and is depressed. She wants to return to me so we can be a family. She is 51, still an attractive lady, and promises everything you would expect her to promise to take her back. But I have long since decided no relationships. I feel comfortable the way I am. Looking at my marriage and the world around me I decided if I want a loyal companion to get a dog. And I got a great dog. I realize my kids will soon have their own lives but I am used to being alone. My rejection upset my wife. She got a nun at the hospital where she is treated to help. The good sister told me since we were still married and my wife wanted to return, I was obligated to take her back. And she reviewed the benefits of marriage. I was not upset because she was trying to help me too, not just my wife. My wife’s treatment is going well and due to her divorce she has the new home and is financially better off than me. And she is attractive enough to find another man. My question is do I not have the right to refuse to accept my wife back? I am sure the Church would prefer I take her back and try to have a marriage. But I have done fairly well without her or any substitute making a life for myself and meeting my obligations to my children and God. That was not easy! So I feel I earned the right to say NO. And after so long I doubt I could readjust to marriage or do well at it. And how could I ever could trust her?
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM Dear Richard: Canon Law speaks to this sort of situation: Can. 1151 Spouses have the obligation and the right to maintain their common conjugal life, unless a lawful reason excuses them. Can. 1152 ß1 It is earnestly recommended that a spouse, motivated by Christian charity and solicitous for the good of the family, should not refuse to pardon an adulterous partner and should not sunder the conjugal life. Nevertheless, if that spouse has not either expressly or tacitly condoned the other's fault, he or she has the right to sever the common conjugal life, provided he or she has not consented to the adultery, nor been the cause of it, nor also committed adultery. ß2 Tacit condonation occurs if the innocent spouse, after becoming aware of the adultery, has willingly engaged in a marital relationship with the other spouse; it is presumed, however, if the innocent spouse has maintained the common conjugal life for six months, and has not had recourse to ecclesiastical or to civil authority. ß3 Within six months of having spontaneously terminated the common conjugal life, the innocent spouse is to bring a case for separation to the competent ecclesiastical authority. Having examined all the circumstances, this authority is to consider whether the innocent spouse can be brought to condone the fault and not prolong the separation permanently. Can. 1153 ß1 A spouse who occasions grave danger of soul or body to the other or to the children, or otherwise makes the common life unduly difficult, provides the other spouse with a reason to leave, either by a decree of the local Ordinary or, if there is danger in delay, even on his or her own authority. ß2 In all cases, when the reason for separation ceases, the common conjugal life is to be restored, unless otherwise provided by ecclesiastical authority. Can. 1154 When a separation of spouses has taken place, provision is always, and in good time, to be made for the due maintenance and upbringing of the children. Can. 1155 The innocent spouse may laudably readmit the other spouse to the conjugal life, in which case he or she renounces the right to separation. The bottomline, is that if you have not resumed marital relations with your wife, and have not had sexual relations with anyone else, you may be able to ask the bishop for a formal separation. Normally this is suppose to take place within six months, but the bishop can dispense that. Thus, if you wish to keep everything on the up and up, I would advise that you contact the Vicar General of your diocese and talk with him about this and see what is possible and follow whatever advise he gives you. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below: Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum. Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

Must I Accept Wife Back?

Richard

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Question:

I married in 1989 in the Church. By about the time our 3rd child was born in 1995 my wife wanted nothing more to do with me. In 1999 she got a civil divorce.

She got our kids and home. I feared separation from my kids most. But soon my wife married her boss. This helped thought. So she could have time with him, I got our kids often. And he bought them a new home so I got our home back.

I was in my mid-40s, healthy and fit. So knowing my wife would not return, I considered relationships, an annulment, and remarriage. But I never did any of it. I was too busy working, caring for the kids, seeing to their religious life. And I was financially strapped paying child support and for the house.

In 2007 my 2 sons came to live with me and in 2008 my daughter moved in too. Husband #2 was unfaithful so my wife recently divorced him and got a new home near our home from the divorce. But she is being treated for cancer and is depressed. She wants to return to me so we can be a family. She is 51, still an attractive lady, and promises everything you would expect her to promise to take her back. But I have long since decided no relationships. I feel comfortable the way I am. Looking at my marriage and the world around me I decided if I want a loyal companion to get a dog. And I got a great dog. I realize my kids will soon have their own lives but I am used to being alone.

My rejection upset my wife. She got a nun at the hospital where she is treated to help. The good sister told me since we were still married and my wife wanted to return, I was obligated to take her back. And she reviewed the benefits of marriage. I was not upset because she was trying to help me too, not just my wife.

My wife’s treatment is going well and due to her divorce she has the new home and is financially better off than me. And she is attractive enough to find another man.

My question is do I not have the right to refuse to accept my wife back?

I am sure the Church would prefer I take her back and try to have a marriage. But I have done fairly well without her or any substitute making a life for myself and meeting my obligations to my children and God. That was not easy! So I feel I earned the right to say NO. And after so long I doubt I could readjust to marriage or do well at it. And how could I ever could trust her?

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM

Dear Richard:

Canon Law speaks to this sort of situation:

Can. 1151 Spouses have the obligation and the right to maintain their common conjugal life, unless a lawful reason excuses them.

Can. 1152 ß1 It is earnestly recommended that a spouse, motivated by Christian charity and solicitous for the good of the family, should not refuse to pardon an adulterous partner and should not sunder the conjugal life. Nevertheless, if that spouse has not either expressly or tacitly condoned the other's fault, he or she has the right to sever the common conjugal life, provided he or she has not consented to the adultery, nor been the cause of it, nor also committed adultery.

ß2 Tacit condonation occurs if the innocent spouse, after becoming aware of the adultery, has willingly engaged in a marital relationship with the other spouse; it is presumed, however, if the innocent spouse has maintained the common conjugal life for six months, and has not had recourse to ecclesiastical or to civil authority.

ß3 Within six months of having spontaneously terminated the common conjugal life, the innocent spouse is to bring a case for separation to the competent ecclesiastical authority. Having examined all the circumstances, this authority is to consider whether the innocent spouse can be brought to condone the fault and not prolong the separation permanently.

Can. 1153 ß1 A spouse who occasions grave danger of soul or body to the other or to the children, or otherwise makes the common life unduly difficult, provides the other spouse with a reason to leave, either by a decree of the local Ordinary or, if there is danger in delay, even on his or her own authority.

ß2 In all cases, when the reason for separation ceases, the common conjugal life is to be restored, unless otherwise provided by ecclesiastical authority.

Can. 1154 When a separation of spouses has taken place, provision is always, and in good time, to be made for the due maintenance and upbringing of the children.

Can. 1155 The innocent spouse may laudably readmit the other spouse to the conjugal life, in which case he or she renounces the right to separation.

The bottomline, is that if you have not resumed marital relations with your wife, and have not had sexual relations with anyone else, you may be able to ask the bishop for a formal separation. Normally this is suppose to take place within six months, but the bishop can dispense that.

Thus, if you wish to keep everything on the up and up, I would advise that you contact the Vicar General of your diocese and talk with him about this and see what is possible and follow whatever advise he gives you.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

Footer Notes: This forum is for general questions on the faith. See specific Topic Forums below:
Spiritual Warfare, demons, the occult go to our Spiritul Warfare Q&S Forum.
Liturgy Questions go to our Liturgy and Liturgical Law Q&A Forum
Liturgy of the Hours (Divine Office) Questions go to our Divine Office Q&A Forum
Defenfing the Faith Questions go to our Defending the Faith Q&A Forum
Church History Questions go to our Church History Q&A Forum