Dear Charlie:

Sorry for the long delay in responding.

I am sorry to hear that you were told that the annulment could not proceed because the former spouse did not cooperate. Whoever told you that was wrong. The Marriage Tribunal gives the former spouse sixty days to respond. If the spouse does not respond the process of annulment proceeds without the spouse's testimony or cooperation.

However, to get married without your wife getting that annulment means that you and she have been living in the sin of adultery for 25 years. This is so sad especially since the annulment could have proceeded 25 years ago.

Since you and your wife have been living in sin, neither of you can receive the Eucharist. If you have received the Eucharist these past 25 years you did so improperly and committed the sin of sacrilege. That will need to be confessed once your marriage is convalidated. Any confession you two made in the Sacrament of Confession is also invalid unless there was a sincere promised to live with your wife as brother and sister (because in the eyes of God you are not married to each other).

Since your wife's former spouse is now dead, all this can be easily rectified. You need to have your marriage convalidated, go to confession to confess your sins of the last 25 years, including the sin of adultery due to your invalid marriage, and receiving the Eucharist, if you did, during those 25 years. Once all this is done, you and your wife will be fully restored into fellowship with the Church and able to participate in all the Sacraments.

As for your wife's embarrassment to approach a priest to have your marriage convalidated (and no, those general blessings do not count) I have to ask bluntly, is she willing to go to hell because she is embarrassed? because that is what she is risking.

You two have three choices if you wish to not risk your soul to hell:

1) get a divorce and go your separate ways

2) live as brother and sister (that means no sex, and live like housemates in separate beds in separate bedrooms like you were brother and sister)

3) have your marriage convalidated

There is a story told about St. Teresa of Avila. In her convent there was an old and sweet nun who died. Everyone thought she was a saint and probably went straight to heaven. One day when St. Teresa was praying in the chapel God allowed the old nun to appear to her in an apparition. St. Teresa observed that the nun appeared to be in pain and thus thought that she must be in purgatory.

The old nun, however, pleaded with St. Teresa to tell the sisters to never be too embarrassed to confess all their sins. The nun explained that she had been too embarrassed to confess one mortal sin and died with that mortal sin on her soul. Thus, she was now in hell.

Your wife needs to get over her pride and allow your marriage to be convalidated. Her immortal soul will be at risk otherwise.

There are many convalidations, thousands and thousands. This is not a problem. In fact, it is a great grace for a couple who did the wrong thing years ago to want to reconcile with God and His Church now. God is pleased with a couple who seeks reconciliation.  Do not continue to spit in God's face and risk going to hell because of embarrassment.

Just as there is no sin a priest has not heard in confession and we are never to withhold a sin in confession, the priest knows many couples who need convalidation.

There are two ways a marriage may be convalidated: 1) Simple Convalidation; and 2) Radical Sanation.

Simple Convalidation requires a renewal of consent from each spouse. This does not have to be a big production, does not have to be a public ceremony with many guests like in a normal wedding, but can be a quiet private ceremony in the Church with just yourselves,  two witnesses, and the priest.

Radical Sanation does not require a renewal of consent nor any ceremony. It is even possible in some cases for you alone to ask for a radical sanation of your marriage and your wife does not even have to know about it (except she probably will if you tell her that she can now receive the sacraments).

You need to speak to your priest, or the Marriage Tribunal office at the diocese, to find out which of these two methods you and your wife must do.

The bishop is the one who may grant radical sanation.

If the ceremony of a Simple Convalidation is required in your case, I beg of your wife to allow this to happen. I want to see both of you in heaven someday (assuming I get there myself).

But, check with your paster. If a radical sanation is possible, then that can be done without ceremony or any fanfare.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary