I really need help regarding this problem. I wasn’t brought up in any faith. Rather my parents thought it would be a good idea to let me choose for myself. I came to the Christian faith largely on my own (my mother comes from a mixed Catholic/Protestant background, and she exposed me to religion somewhat).

From a very early age I was drawn to the Roman Catholic Church. When I learned about the Church’s teaching on the necessity of Baptism for salvation, I became greatly concerned that I had never been baptized. I was about thirteen at this time. I read in the Catechism that anyone could baptize, even heretics provided that proper intention, matter and form were present. So, deliberately ignoring the fact that this should only be done in case of emergency, I asked my father to baptize me. Though not a Christian, he is a good man who believes in God. He complied and performed the ceremony.

Now I was an extremely neurotic kid in those days. I wasn’t sure if the water actually touched my head, so I made him redo it using a conditional formula. In both ceremonies, tap water was used, the water was poured over my head three times (and I even dunked my head in the bowl afterward just to make sure the water touched the scalp), the Trinitarian formula was used, and as far as I know my father had the intention of doing what the Church does. I even had us sign and date a slip of paper proving that all this happened. I will note again that this was not an emergency.

I have a few questions:

Is such a baptism valid?

As of now, I desire with all my heart to become Catholic—how would this baptism affect my entry into the Church?

And would my actions be considered sinful in the eyes of the Church, i.e. would I need to confess this once I did become Catholic?

I know this baptism was wrong and illicit, and that I should not have sought this sacrament outside the jurisdiction of the Church. I have of since repented of this, and am heartily sorry for any wrong or sacrilege (God forbid) that I may have committed. I have only my youth and ignorance to blame. I can’t put into words how much I regret having been so hasty, trying to weasel my way around the Church’s authority. This has been tormenting me for years now.

I would deeply appreciate any advice that would enlighten me as to my confusing and troubling situation.

Thank You and God bless