| Question Title | Posted By | Question Date |
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| Honoring Family | Audrey | Monday, November 3, 2008 |
Question: I recently asked my only sibling to not contact me further after steady escalation in her abusive behavior towards me over many years. Reasoning with her didn't work. She said I was imagining things and wouldn't take any responsibility for her own behavior. The more I had tried to distance myself from her the more she tried to manipulate me and force interaction. I had grown frightened of her and truly didn't want to see her again. Being around her or talking to her at all left me feeling sad, criticized, anxious and depressed. We had virtually nothing in common and didn't share the same values, but she just couldn't let childhood rivalry and other issues of family dysfunction go. When I discussed the situation with my pastor, he said he felt that cutting off relationship with her altogether was likely sinful because it hurt my parents so badly, my sister and her family, and eliminated the possibility of future reconcilliation and peace. And I've read devotional material concerning examination of conscience/spiritual maturity suggesting that perhaps I should have just continued to quietly carry that cross and offer up my pain. The explanation is that refusing to speak to someone, especialy a family member, and failing to bear up under their unkindness is at best immature and fosters further bitterness and resentment. And it removes opportunity in your life for you to grow in holiness through struggle. I wouldn't have hesitated to oust a "friend" who treated me like this out of my life long ago (surely no one would have objected), but apparently there's a different standard when it comes to family members. My parents are so hurt and disappointed that they can hardly tolerate my presence. I'm so confused. Conventional wisdom says that abuse is abuse, whether it is physical or emotional, and it shouldn't be tolerated. Can you please explain what it means to honor your parents (and siblings) in a Christian sense so I can better evaluate what I've done?
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| Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM
Dear Audrey: I disagree with the priest you talked to. There are times where, as a last resort, one must walk away from a person who is abusive and refuses to respect you -- even when the person is family. St. Paul in the Bible gives an example of this in the Church family when he writes in 1 Corinthians 5:5 "To deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ." This is the passage that refers to excommunication. There are times with tough love must be applied. If a person refuses to repent and refuses to listen to reason and the pastors the only thing left to do is excommunication. There are many other instances where the Bible advises to walk away from the brethren. Excommunication is an act of love. Its purpose is to show the errant person that his behavior is so egregious and his unrepentance so serious as to warrant removing him from the fellowship of believers (from the family). It is hoped that when the person sees the seriousness of their behavior they will repent. When they repent then they are accepted back into the family with open arms. Similar tough love must sometimes be applied within a biological family. It does no one any favors to indulge dysfunctional behavior. In fact, to not stand up to abusive behavior can be a kind of approval of the behavior. People need to be held accountable for their behavior. Sometimes that means letting them know that their behavior is so bad that it threatens the relationship with them. It is hoped that the abusive friend or family member will come to see how destructive their behavior is and a reconciliation can happen quickly. Honoring father and mother does not mean one must accept abuse from them. Even with parents it is sometimes necessary to walk away. Bottomline is that there are times, as a last resort, that one may have to walk away from a friend or even a family member, even a sibling or parent, when they refuse to stop their abusiveness. Before doing that last resort, however, all attempts must be taken to ask the friend or family member to cease their abusiveness. Ask them to respect your wishes to not talk about a certain topic if that is the problem, or to not treat you in a certain way. Even if they disagree with your analysis of the situation explain to them that "regardless, this is how I see it and I am asking you to respect my wishes." If they refuse to respect you, then you may need to walk away. I do find it interesting that your parents are treating you in the same way that they do not want you to treat your sister. As for accepting the abuse as a cross to bear one should do that if they are called by God to take that approach. But, it is improper to label someone who does not take that approach as immature. There are times that estrangement from family members is prudent and necessary for one's peace in Christ and for one's psychological and spiritual health. God Bless,
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