Dear M:

Sometimes when we make our bed, we have to lay in it. According to your words you "forced" him to leave. Given that you drove him away you can't expect him to just up and return as if nothing happened.

He has probably gone on with his life and does not wish to return to what is like a dog returning to its vomit. I realize that image is a strong one but his feelings may be strong about not returning to a dysfunctional situational.

You seem to want your cake and eat it too as the old saying goes. You want him to come home out of some religious duty that husbands have to their wives, but you spend years denying him the marital embrace that you were required to give to him.

Now you want him back and want to hit him over the head with talk that his is required to come back despite the fact that you failed as a wife and badgered and badmouthed him and refused your duty as a wife in the marriage bed. And it seems you kicked God out too by not going to Mass until recently.

I doubt if your husband is refusing to come back because he wishes to punish you. It is a form of egotism to assume that he wants to punish you. Maybe he just does not wish to live with a dysfunctional home. I do not blame him.

Now that he is on his own he probably feels like a great burden has been lifted from his shoulders. He probably feels healthy for a change, and even happy perhaps. Why would someone who is getting his life in order what to return to the disordered black hole of his previous life?

All I know is that you have written and what you have written tells me that there is little to no motivation for your husband to come home.

Your proposal is not to reconcile the marriage. Your proposal is that you will be his cook and maid in exchange for him living in the house as your companion. If you need a companion, rent out a bedroom in your home to someone, make friends at Church, but there is no reason for your husband to return based on what you are saying.

You have made your bed, you will now have to lay in it. You have made your choices and now you will have to accept the consequences.

To badger your husband to return with rhetoric that the Christian faith requires him to come home is hypocritical, manipulative, and utterly devoid of love. You are absolute wrong to do this. To try to guilt him to come home because you are sick is just plain despicable.

You apologize to your husband, promise to change and back that up by going to counseling, return to Church sincerely, and ask him to return, and pray that you can make the changes you need to make and that he will return. But that is it.

The choice is his to make and you must not badger, manipulate, or guilt him into it. You make the offer and then leave him alone to choose what he wants to do. If he chooses to remain estranged from you they you must accept that and get on with your life.

We will certainly be in prayer concerning this situation.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary